26TH JANUARY 2013: 4TH TEAM MIDDLE-AGED MEET-UP
Another year-and-a-half older, but still none the wiser the 4th team continued their staggered tour of UK Gun Crime hot-spots by convening in South London, for a scaled down middle-aged meet-up in Balham. Despite broken down buses, closed Tube lines and Alf's driving the 4ths eventually came together on a pitch tucked between a pub and a school for a game of six-a-side; those who'd remembered their 4th team shirts vs those who don't own one or who had left it at their mum's (Charlie). Unable to take part in the game Jack took on the role of referee, photographer, and most key; reporter. These are his match notes in full...
4th team: Glen, Alf, Capps, Miller, Hill, Matt
Whites: Gav, Charlie, Wilson, Stu, Adam, Wilko
16 mins: Gav hits post from 12 yards.
23 mins: Good footwork from Stu and shoots just over.
24 mins: Alf falls over and concedes corner.
25 mins: Miller fires in left footed, bottom right hand corner (1-0).
26 mins: Miller finds the net again, right foot after through ball from Hill (2-0).
26 mins: Stu scores left foot from range - through Matt (2-1).
29 mins: Great ball sees Capps' shot well saved.
35 mins: Half-time. 2-1 to the 4th team.
38 mins: Matt shoots from distance; well saved.
38 mins: Hill slides for no reason.
40 mins: Capps shoots wide right.
41 mins: Free kick whites, foul on Charles.
41 mins: Matt's shot blocked. Capps fires over from close range.
42 mins: Nick shoots. Excellent save glen. Corner white.
43 mins: Glen shouts time, Hill shoots wide left.
44 mins: Charles scuffs wide left. Left foot shot.
45 mins: Matt back-heel to Glen right foot, shot saved.
46 mins: Excellent touch from Capps to Alf centre. Shoots wide left.
46 mins: Stu fires wide right. Left foot shot.
48 mins: Good tackle by Gav. Corner blue. Wasted Miller.
49 mins: Through ball by Glen, Miller square to Capps. Shoots wide right. Good link play.
50 mins: Glen to Matt. Matt shouts "Really?"
51 mins: Nick shoots, saved down to left by Hill.
51 mins: Capps rattles angle from 10 yards. Right foot shot.
53 mins: Corner blues after block by Charles on Matt.
55 mins: Hill fouls Stu from behind. Resultant Free kick saved.
56 mins: Miller clean through; gentle finish edge of area easily saved Charles on ground.
58 mins: Glen cross box, good turn Capps. Back to Glen edge of box. Saved Charles.
61 mins: Good long Ball Gav to Nick. Turned into trouble on edge of box and then in to box
61 mins: Left foot smash. Goal Hill left corner (3-1).
62 mins: Alf caught wanting edge of box. Stu tackles him.
63 mins: Good long ball from Matt to Hill. Hill volleys wide left.
64 mins: Good ball Nick to Wilco. Wilco shoots over. Centre goal.
65 mins: Stu left foot shot. Well saved Capps.
67 mins: Stu cheeky chip edge of box. Caught by Capps. Mild laughter.
67 mins: Nick to Stu, left foot goal bottom right. Keeper nowhere (Capps) his mind was elsewhere. Transfer talk. (3-2).
69 mins: Matt exceeds expectations.
70 mins: Matt caught drifting off; rolls ball into box. Penalty whites. Charles confidently strides up an finishes. (3-3).
My fingers are too cold and game officially ended 5 mins ago. Over and out.
So that's the match in note form; Jack neglected to tell us this was full-time and we duly continued for a further twenty minutes and three goals, but a draw seems a fair result (yes, we eventually lost), so we'll trust Jack's judgement. Though Jack did omit to mention that he gave said penalty a good minute after the incident, and also that we came close to doing an urban rendition of John Moore's tiny stick, big tree ball episode, as Glen managed to wedge the ball atop of the pitch-side fence; thankfully it was rescued by a local child-cum-Spiderman, before we had to attempt to scale the fence ourselves. Post-match brought a short move to the pub behind the goal for the voting;
Man of the Match: Matt Crucefix ('exceded expectations'/'more ability than hair') 5 votes... Gav Sumner ('looks good in shorts') 3 votes... Stephen 'Alf' Pearce ('hummels'/'good right foot') 2 votes... Gav's other mate, not the ginger one, the other one 1 vote.
Dick of the Day: Stephen 'Alf' Pearce ('shit right foot'/'fell over own foot'/'shit driving') 4 votes... John Moore ('ball - tree - tiny stick') 3 votes... Jack Woodlock ('cheat'/'late decisions') 3 votes... Gav Sumner ('prick') 1 vote.
From then on the night degenerated as all good 4th team nights should; Hill unable to locate a pub toilet, Alfie wearing a lamp-shade, taking it in turns to interupt a comedy night, Miller getting comedically agitated about Essex roads, a bouncer's 'word of warning', Jack in lipstick, holding Hill above our heads for the last song of the night, inadvertantly throwing a woman on the floor and so forth.
4th team: Glen, Alf, Capps, Miller, Hill, Matt
Whites: Gav, Charlie, Wilson, Stu, Adam, Wilko
16 mins: Gav hits post from 12 yards.
23 mins: Good footwork from Stu and shoots just over.
24 mins: Alf falls over and concedes corner.
25 mins: Miller fires in left footed, bottom right hand corner (1-0).
26 mins: Miller finds the net again, right foot after through ball from Hill (2-0).
26 mins: Stu scores left foot from range - through Matt (2-1).
29 mins: Great ball sees Capps' shot well saved.
35 mins: Half-time. 2-1 to the 4th team.
38 mins: Matt shoots from distance; well saved.
38 mins: Hill slides for no reason.
40 mins: Capps shoots wide right.
41 mins: Free kick whites, foul on Charles.
41 mins: Matt's shot blocked. Capps fires over from close range.
42 mins: Nick shoots. Excellent save glen. Corner white.
43 mins: Glen shouts time, Hill shoots wide left.
44 mins: Charles scuffs wide left. Left foot shot.
45 mins: Matt back-heel to Glen right foot, shot saved.
46 mins: Excellent touch from Capps to Alf centre. Shoots wide left.
46 mins: Stu fires wide right. Left foot shot.
48 mins: Good tackle by Gav. Corner blue. Wasted Miller.
49 mins: Through ball by Glen, Miller square to Capps. Shoots wide right. Good link play.
50 mins: Glen to Matt. Matt shouts "Really?"
51 mins: Nick shoots, saved down to left by Hill.
51 mins: Capps rattles angle from 10 yards. Right foot shot.
53 mins: Corner blues after block by Charles on Matt.
55 mins: Hill fouls Stu from behind. Resultant Free kick saved.
56 mins: Miller clean through; gentle finish edge of area easily saved Charles on ground.
58 mins: Glen cross box, good turn Capps. Back to Glen edge of box. Saved Charles.
61 mins: Good long Ball Gav to Nick. Turned into trouble on edge of box and then in to box
61 mins: Left foot smash. Goal Hill left corner (3-1).
62 mins: Alf caught wanting edge of box. Stu tackles him.
63 mins: Good long ball from Matt to Hill. Hill volleys wide left.
64 mins: Good ball Nick to Wilco. Wilco shoots over. Centre goal.
65 mins: Stu left foot shot. Well saved Capps.
67 mins: Stu cheeky chip edge of box. Caught by Capps. Mild laughter.
67 mins: Nick to Stu, left foot goal bottom right. Keeper nowhere (Capps) his mind was elsewhere. Transfer talk. (3-2).
69 mins: Matt exceeds expectations.
70 mins: Matt caught drifting off; rolls ball into box. Penalty whites. Charles confidently strides up an finishes. (3-3).
My fingers are too cold and game officially ended 5 mins ago. Over and out.
So that's the match in note form; Jack neglected to tell us this was full-time and we duly continued for a further twenty minutes and three goals, but a draw seems a fair result (yes, we eventually lost), so we'll trust Jack's judgement. Though Jack did omit to mention that he gave said penalty a good minute after the incident, and also that we came close to doing an urban rendition of John Moore's tiny stick, big tree ball episode, as Glen managed to wedge the ball atop of the pitch-side fence; thankfully it was rescued by a local child-cum-Spiderman, before we had to attempt to scale the fence ourselves. Post-match brought a short move to the pub behind the goal for the voting;
Man of the Match: Matt Crucefix ('exceded expectations'/'more ability than hair') 5 votes... Gav Sumner ('looks good in shorts') 3 votes... Stephen 'Alf' Pearce ('hummels'/'good right foot') 2 votes... Gav's other mate, not the ginger one, the other one 1 vote.
Dick of the Day: Stephen 'Alf' Pearce ('shit right foot'/'fell over own foot'/'shit driving') 4 votes... John Moore ('ball - tree - tiny stick') 3 votes... Jack Woodlock ('cheat'/'late decisions') 3 votes... Gav Sumner ('prick') 1 vote.
From then on the night degenerated as all good 4th team nights should; Hill unable to locate a pub toilet, Alfie wearing a lamp-shade, taking it in turns to interupt a comedy night, Miller getting comedically agitated about Essex roads, a bouncer's 'word of warning', Jack in lipstick, holding Hill above our heads for the last song of the night, inadvertantly throwing a woman on the floor and so forth.
2 July 2011: arnold celtic 2 - 4 the 4th team
The 4th team descended on the Gun Crime Capital of the East Midlands to accept the challenge of a match against Arnold Celtic, the poor sods lumbered with the management of John Moore for the near future. Odd as it may seem, this was the first time a few members of the 4ths had met one of the number, with Joe 'Bitchin' Stevens making only his second post-University 4th team appearance, a foray so rare to him that he turned up having forgotten he owned a 4th team shirt.
Playing the 4-5-1 formation of choice that had served them well in the past the 4ths began the game with Ernesto del Rio alone up front. Despite having the extra men in the middle the 4ths found themselves under pressure from the off as Arnold pressed them, won the ball, and duly took the lead after just five minutes with a well-struck shot from outside the area. Thankfully though the rout that looked on the cards at this stage didn't materialise as the 4ths began to assert themselves on the game and steadily work the ball from back to front.
Charlie Akinwunmi, deployed in an unfamiliar position on the left flank had one of the first sights of goal as he cut in from the flank, but his shot flew over the bar. Del Rio was next to threaten for the 4ths as he broke into the box in the right channel, but his shot was beaten round the post by the Arnold 'keeper. Having begun to create their own opportunities the 4ths had Christian Sales to thank for keeping them in the game at half time, first as he got down to his right to turn a header round the post, and then minutes later diving to his left to beat away another effort.
Having trailed by a single goal at the much-needed break, the 4th went on the offensive in the second half and came close to levelling the scores as Stevens was put through on goal, but his attempted lob came back off the bar and was cleared. The equaliser would come on one of the next forays forward through veteran forward Dan Hill, fed by Stevens, his half-volley thonked satisfyingly off the far-post and in.
The 4th team's joy was to be short-lived though as they conceded a comedic second goal. Well, I say conceded. Sitting deep in his area Paul Miller decided to nudge a pass in the direction of 'keeper Sales. Unfortunately for Miller, Christian had moved in the three minutes since he'd checked on his position and instead Miller's pass rolled past Sales and gently into the back of his own net. With the spectre of Dick of the Day now safely claimed by Miller and off their conscience the 4ths kicked on with a new found freedom and levelled the scores again. Adie Gray broke from left-back and played in Stevens, the 'keeper got a hand to Stevens' chipped effort but could only slow it's path to goal and Alec Waby following in made sure, turning the ball over the line.
Time for the customary 4th team injury as Dave Capps went down in a heap by the touchline and emerged with his little finger at a 45 degree angle. Undeterred by the loss of their most sarcastic player the 4ths pushed on and took the lead for the first time in the game as Hill received the ball in the area and nudged a back-heel into the path of the onrushing Del Rio, and the man from Zaragoza managed to do enough to get it beneath the home 'keeper and in. Celtic pushed for an equaliser, but failed to produce a telling effort and instead it was the 4ths who wrapped up the scoring with goal number four. Stevens low pass was left by the offside Del Rio, and as Arnold stood appealing for offside Tom Heaton broke onto the pass and finished impressively.
Having had a hand in three of the goals Joe Stevens picked up Man of the Match on his return, whilst Miller's own goal helped him storm Dick of the Day. There were a couple of votes for John Moore too for "trying to get a ball out of a big tree with a tiny stick", sparking the brilliant exchange "I don't remember that, when did that happen?" "2004 I think".
4th Team Squad: Christian Sales, Alec Waby, Tom Heaton, Paul Miller, Adrian Gray, Glen Wilson, Joe Stevens, Charlie Akinwunmi, John Moore, Dan Hill, Dave Capps, Ernesto del Rio, Lee Egley, Gav Sumner, Jack Woodlock
Man of the Match Voting: Joe 'Bitchin' Stevens (3 votes)... Adie Gray (2)... Christian Sales (2)... Dan Hill (2)... Ernesto del Rio (2)... Charlie Akinwunmi (1)... Paul "as pasty as he is composed" Miller (1)... Gav Sumner (1)... Cappsy's finger (1)
Dick of the Day Voting: Paul Miller (8.5 votes)... John Moore for trying to get a ball out of a big tree with a tiny stick (3)... Christian Sales (1.5)... Charlie Akinwunmi (1)... Cappsy's finger (1)
Playing the 4-5-1 formation of choice that had served them well in the past the 4ths began the game with Ernesto del Rio alone up front. Despite having the extra men in the middle the 4ths found themselves under pressure from the off as Arnold pressed them, won the ball, and duly took the lead after just five minutes with a well-struck shot from outside the area. Thankfully though the rout that looked on the cards at this stage didn't materialise as the 4ths began to assert themselves on the game and steadily work the ball from back to front.
Charlie Akinwunmi, deployed in an unfamiliar position on the left flank had one of the first sights of goal as he cut in from the flank, but his shot flew over the bar. Del Rio was next to threaten for the 4ths as he broke into the box in the right channel, but his shot was beaten round the post by the Arnold 'keeper. Having begun to create their own opportunities the 4ths had Christian Sales to thank for keeping them in the game at half time, first as he got down to his right to turn a header round the post, and then minutes later diving to his left to beat away another effort.
Having trailed by a single goal at the much-needed break, the 4th went on the offensive in the second half and came close to levelling the scores as Stevens was put through on goal, but his attempted lob came back off the bar and was cleared. The equaliser would come on one of the next forays forward through veteran forward Dan Hill, fed by Stevens, his half-volley thonked satisfyingly off the far-post and in.
The 4th team's joy was to be short-lived though as they conceded a comedic second goal. Well, I say conceded. Sitting deep in his area Paul Miller decided to nudge a pass in the direction of 'keeper Sales. Unfortunately for Miller, Christian had moved in the three minutes since he'd checked on his position and instead Miller's pass rolled past Sales and gently into the back of his own net. With the spectre of Dick of the Day now safely claimed by Miller and off their conscience the 4ths kicked on with a new found freedom and levelled the scores again. Adie Gray broke from left-back and played in Stevens, the 'keeper got a hand to Stevens' chipped effort but could only slow it's path to goal and Alec Waby following in made sure, turning the ball over the line.
Time for the customary 4th team injury as Dave Capps went down in a heap by the touchline and emerged with his little finger at a 45 degree angle. Undeterred by the loss of their most sarcastic player the 4ths pushed on and took the lead for the first time in the game as Hill received the ball in the area and nudged a back-heel into the path of the onrushing Del Rio, and the man from Zaragoza managed to do enough to get it beneath the home 'keeper and in. Celtic pushed for an equaliser, but failed to produce a telling effort and instead it was the 4ths who wrapped up the scoring with goal number four. Stevens low pass was left by the offside Del Rio, and as Arnold stood appealing for offside Tom Heaton broke onto the pass and finished impressively.
Having had a hand in three of the goals Joe Stevens picked up Man of the Match on his return, whilst Miller's own goal helped him storm Dick of the Day. There were a couple of votes for John Moore too for "trying to get a ball out of a big tree with a tiny stick", sparking the brilliant exchange "I don't remember that, when did that happen?" "2004 I think".
4th Team Squad: Christian Sales, Alec Waby, Tom Heaton, Paul Miller, Adrian Gray, Glen Wilson, Joe Stevens, Charlie Akinwunmi, John Moore, Dan Hill, Dave Capps, Ernesto del Rio, Lee Egley, Gav Sumner, Jack Woodlock
Man of the Match Voting: Joe 'Bitchin' Stevens (3 votes)... Adie Gray (2)... Christian Sales (2)... Dan Hill (2)... Ernesto del Rio (2)... Charlie Akinwunmi (1)... Paul "as pasty as he is composed" Miller (1)... Gav Sumner (1)... Cappsy's finger (1)
Dick of the Day Voting: Paul Miller (8.5 votes)... John Moore for trying to get a ball out of a big tree with a tiny stick (3)... Christian Sales (1.5)... Charlie Akinwunmi (1)... Cappsy's finger (1)
22 april 2009: charlie wilkinson memorial tournament
The 4th team sprung a major surprise upon their annual return to Lincoln for the Charlie Wilkinson Memorial Tournament by casting aside years of mediocrity to actually win the thing. Undefeated across their five matches the 4ths ensured what professional sports journalists call "bragging rights" over the new generation of University footballers, and pave the way for a night of thinly veiled abuse sent by text to The Engine Shed's big screens. Aided by a couple of guest stars, most notably Rich Letts the 4ths put themselves in the driving seat and for once came away with more than sunburn as they forged ahead of the pack meaning they could effectively (and literally in Christian Sales' case) break out the cigars by the time their final fixture came round.
4th team results:
Match 1: the 4th team 1-0 LSD Eindhoven
Match 2: the 4th team 1-1 Molester City
Match 3: the 4th team 1-1 Red Star Stripe
Match 4: the 4th team 2-1 Bayern Bru
Match 5: the 4th team 4-0 Sporting Lesbian
4th team results:
Match 1: the 4th team 1-0 LSD Eindhoven
Match 2: the 4th team 1-1 Molester City
Match 3: the 4th team 1-1 Red Star Stripe
Match 4: the 4th team 2-1 Bayern Bru
Match 5: the 4th team 4-0 Sporting Lesbian
2 APRIL 2008: CHARLIE WILKINSON MEMORIAL TOURNAMENT
The morning after the now traditional pre-match ‘quiet night out’ the 4th team convened like any great side for a pre-match carbohydrate intake. However unlike any great side this took place in Lloyds and was mainly fried, with the exception of captain Scratch and Adie who excelled early doors with the order of “a traditional breakfast, a coffee, and two shots of wray nephew please”. Take it as a sign; when the barman winces it can’t be good.
Still, football was the order of the day, and before it commenced a poignant reminder as to why we were all here with a minute’s silenced observed by all five competing teams. The 4ths sat out the first round of matches and were instead on officiating journey, with Charlie ‘Angry’ Akinwunmi the surprise choice for the whistle. The opposition sussed out, the 4th team took the field for their first match against the North.
Despite having not played together since October the 4th team still moved the ball about well from the off, and despite an incredibly narrow formation they came closest to taking the lead. However, the north’s keeper Richard Ossai was on hand to deny both Dan Hill and Dave Capps and the 4ths had to settle for a goalless opener.
Next up were the West and encouraged by their gaffer’s very literal ‘sit on the ball’ school of defending the 4ths pushed forward and were rewarded with their first goal of the day. Adie Gray found space on the left edge of the box and in the time afforded for everyone present to ask what the strawberry blond defender was doing so far forward he had squared for Cappsy to take advantage of the suspended disbelief and put the veterans 1-0 up.
Unfortunately though the 4ths were on the back foot soon after and presented the opposition with a chance back into the game in the ugliest circumstances. A horrific two-footed lunge from the self styled Butcher of Basildon Paul Miller, no seriously, presented the West with a free-kick on the edge of the box and they took their chance. The dead ball lifted over the wall and beyond Alec Waby into the top corner. To paraphrase captain Scratch at the time; ‘we don’t like to point fingers in this team, but I think everyone’s pointing your way Miller’.
Alec had no chance with the goal, although by all rights he had no chance with many of the saves he made in the second half too. Pick of the keeper’s saves came as prolonged pressure around the 4th team box led to a left wing cross that perfectly picked out an unmarked forward at the far post just six yards out; however as the West began to celebrate and the 4ths began to point the finger (probably at Miller) Alec somehow got back across goal and diving full length turned the ball over the top corner of the goal. He is a very good goalkeeper... speaks a bit of Spanish too.
Unbeaten in two, albeit without a win as well, the 4th team faced the South and in a game of few chances the veterans should have had an early penalty. The Hill proved that he is once again as quick as he used to be to break into the box from the left wing, however he was soon eating turf and in vein as the referee waved play on. Instead it was the South who struck; taking advantage of some rare indecision in the back-line to put the ball beyond the despairing dives of keeper and defenders alike.
So with their chances of victory severely diminished the 4ths approached their final game using the now traditional names and positions out of a hat formation. The 4-4-2 line-up was boosted with keeper Alec Waby in midfield and the pace of Wilson on the left; with Benny Eccleston becoming officially the smallest goalkeeper in football since they stopped making subbuteo. Dave ‘Gerrard’ Carver found himself in a deep lying striker-cum-playmaker role, unfortunately for the rest of the 4ths that was his own interpretation of centre back leading to something of a defensive frailty.
Somehow, despite all this the first half finished goalless and it was the 4ths who had come closest to opening the scoring through Alec’s thirty-five yard dipping half-volley that came back off the bar. Instead it was the East who opened the scoring; taking advantage of a defensive error to finish from close range. Incredibly though the 4ths were soon level; doubling last year’s goals total in the process as the prolific Joe ‘El Burro’ Burr was on hand to finish in the box.
Sadly though it was in defence where the match was to be lost as a failed offside trap presented the West with an opportunity to double their lead and they took it. It was soon 3-1 in comical circumstances as the West again got through the 4th’s increasingly flimsy rearguard. However the danger looked to have passed as ‘Gerrard’ got back in a position to clear; however the forward instead provided a clinical finish to the move slicing his clearance behind him and into the net.
Three became four moments later as again a pull back found its man and the East’s striker made no mistake. It could have been five as full-back Cappsy brought down his winger n the box; thankfully though the penalty was sportingly missed. So the final word instead went to the 4ths as they made the score respectable with a late goal; Scratch finishing from the edge of the box for 4-2.
Alas the post-match night out is too hazy for anyone to remember so instead I’ll offer you some snap shots... Capps wins what proves to be a £35 coin toss with a disconsolate barman... Sumner gets locked in Trebles... the 4th team hold a kissing contest... followed by a pissing battle... and then a mammoth game of ‘tig’ across the streets of Lincoln... only ended when scratch tigs a swan... and then goads it... Miller spotted drying off a young lady in Engine Shed (sadly not a euphemism).
4th Team Squad: Alec Waby, Joe Burr, Paul Miller, Adrian Gray, Paul Beagle, Glen Wilson, Dan Hill, Charlie Akinwunmi, Stephen Pearce, Benny Eccleston, Dave Capps, Dave Carver, Gav Sumner
Man of the Match Voting: Alec 'Outstanding' Waby (5 votes)... Adie Gray (1)... Paul Miller for the worst tackle in 4th team history (1)... Joey Burr (1)... Gav Sumner (1)... Scratch's Mum (1)
Dick of the Day Voting: Dave 'Gerrard! Gerrard! Gerrard! Gerarrd! Gerrard!' Carver (7 votes)... Joey Burr (1)... Steve 'Alf' Pearce (1)... Gerarrd's Mum (1)... John Moore for trying to get a ball out of a big tree with a tiny stick (1)
Additional awards:
4th Team Kissing Champion: Dave Capps, tender enough to give Gav goosebumps
Shot of the Day: Forget Alec’s effort; I’m claiming it after hurling a Murray Mint from Miller’s car to Gerrard’s hands, ten metres away midway down Tritton Road.
Worst Foul Committed in Living 4th team Memory: Paul Miller. The housewives love a rogue.
The Tournament's Key Quotes:
“Come see me, I’ve got kids to burn” Adie Gray
Miller; “If I see a car in a ditch, I’ll pull over” ...Scratch: “Don’t bother, I’m already dead”
4th team results:
Match 1: the 4th team 0-0 the North
Match 2: the 4th team 1-1 the West
Match 3: the 4th team 0-1 the South
Match 4: the 4th team 2-4 the East
Still, football was the order of the day, and before it commenced a poignant reminder as to why we were all here with a minute’s silenced observed by all five competing teams. The 4ths sat out the first round of matches and were instead on officiating journey, with Charlie ‘Angry’ Akinwunmi the surprise choice for the whistle. The opposition sussed out, the 4th team took the field for their first match against the North.
Despite having not played together since October the 4th team still moved the ball about well from the off, and despite an incredibly narrow formation they came closest to taking the lead. However, the north’s keeper Richard Ossai was on hand to deny both Dan Hill and Dave Capps and the 4ths had to settle for a goalless opener.
Next up were the West and encouraged by their gaffer’s very literal ‘sit on the ball’ school of defending the 4ths pushed forward and were rewarded with their first goal of the day. Adie Gray found space on the left edge of the box and in the time afforded for everyone present to ask what the strawberry blond defender was doing so far forward he had squared for Cappsy to take advantage of the suspended disbelief and put the veterans 1-0 up.
Unfortunately though the 4ths were on the back foot soon after and presented the opposition with a chance back into the game in the ugliest circumstances. A horrific two-footed lunge from the self styled Butcher of Basildon Paul Miller, no seriously, presented the West with a free-kick on the edge of the box and they took their chance. The dead ball lifted over the wall and beyond Alec Waby into the top corner. To paraphrase captain Scratch at the time; ‘we don’t like to point fingers in this team, but I think everyone’s pointing your way Miller’.
Alec had no chance with the goal, although by all rights he had no chance with many of the saves he made in the second half too. Pick of the keeper’s saves came as prolonged pressure around the 4th team box led to a left wing cross that perfectly picked out an unmarked forward at the far post just six yards out; however as the West began to celebrate and the 4ths began to point the finger (probably at Miller) Alec somehow got back across goal and diving full length turned the ball over the top corner of the goal. He is a very good goalkeeper... speaks a bit of Spanish too.
Unbeaten in two, albeit without a win as well, the 4th team faced the South and in a game of few chances the veterans should have had an early penalty. The Hill proved that he is once again as quick as he used to be to break into the box from the left wing, however he was soon eating turf and in vein as the referee waved play on. Instead it was the South who struck; taking advantage of some rare indecision in the back-line to put the ball beyond the despairing dives of keeper and defenders alike.
So with their chances of victory severely diminished the 4ths approached their final game using the now traditional names and positions out of a hat formation. The 4-4-2 line-up was boosted with keeper Alec Waby in midfield and the pace of Wilson on the left; with Benny Eccleston becoming officially the smallest goalkeeper in football since they stopped making subbuteo. Dave ‘Gerrard’ Carver found himself in a deep lying striker-cum-playmaker role, unfortunately for the rest of the 4ths that was his own interpretation of centre back leading to something of a defensive frailty.
Somehow, despite all this the first half finished goalless and it was the 4ths who had come closest to opening the scoring through Alec’s thirty-five yard dipping half-volley that came back off the bar. Instead it was the East who opened the scoring; taking advantage of a defensive error to finish from close range. Incredibly though the 4ths were soon level; doubling last year’s goals total in the process as the prolific Joe ‘El Burro’ Burr was on hand to finish in the box.
Sadly though it was in defence where the match was to be lost as a failed offside trap presented the West with an opportunity to double their lead and they took it. It was soon 3-1 in comical circumstances as the West again got through the 4th’s increasingly flimsy rearguard. However the danger looked to have passed as ‘Gerrard’ got back in a position to clear; however the forward instead provided a clinical finish to the move slicing his clearance behind him and into the net.
Three became four moments later as again a pull back found its man and the East’s striker made no mistake. It could have been five as full-back Cappsy brought down his winger n the box; thankfully though the penalty was sportingly missed. So the final word instead went to the 4ths as they made the score respectable with a late goal; Scratch finishing from the edge of the box for 4-2.
Alas the post-match night out is too hazy for anyone to remember so instead I’ll offer you some snap shots... Capps wins what proves to be a £35 coin toss with a disconsolate barman... Sumner gets locked in Trebles... the 4th team hold a kissing contest... followed by a pissing battle... and then a mammoth game of ‘tig’ across the streets of Lincoln... only ended when scratch tigs a swan... and then goads it... Miller spotted drying off a young lady in Engine Shed (sadly not a euphemism).
4th Team Squad: Alec Waby, Joe Burr, Paul Miller, Adrian Gray, Paul Beagle, Glen Wilson, Dan Hill, Charlie Akinwunmi, Stephen Pearce, Benny Eccleston, Dave Capps, Dave Carver, Gav Sumner
Man of the Match Voting: Alec 'Outstanding' Waby (5 votes)... Adie Gray (1)... Paul Miller for the worst tackle in 4th team history (1)... Joey Burr (1)... Gav Sumner (1)... Scratch's Mum (1)
Dick of the Day Voting: Dave 'Gerrard! Gerrard! Gerrard! Gerarrd! Gerrard!' Carver (7 votes)... Joey Burr (1)... Steve 'Alf' Pearce (1)... Gerarrd's Mum (1)... John Moore for trying to get a ball out of a big tree with a tiny stick (1)
Additional awards:
4th Team Kissing Champion: Dave Capps, tender enough to give Gav goosebumps
Shot of the Day: Forget Alec’s effort; I’m claiming it after hurling a Murray Mint from Miller’s car to Gerrard’s hands, ten metres away midway down Tritton Road.
Worst Foul Committed in Living 4th team Memory: Paul Miller. The housewives love a rogue.
The Tournament's Key Quotes:
“Come see me, I’ve got kids to burn” Adie Gray
Miller; “If I see a car in a ditch, I’ll pull over” ...Scratch: “Don’t bother, I’m already dead”
4th team results:
Match 1: the 4th team 0-0 the North
Match 2: the 4th team 1-1 the West
Match 3: the 4th team 0-1 the South
Match 4: the 4th team 2-4 the East
14 october 2007: university of lincoln 4ths 1-2 the 4th team
Beneath a hazy mist of actual fog, and collective red bull induced hangovers the 4th team assembled on Lincoln's West Common. With 'Bitchin' Stevens left in Nottingham bitchin' with his failed alarm clock the veterans were forced into emergency measures with Chris 'Moz' Morris earning a call-up at full-back and the mump ridden gaffer placed up front out the way. Despite these forced alterations the 4th team began the match in familiar style; building from the back with a comfortable passing game.
Even with the gaffer in attack the 4th team controlled much of the first half and had chances to open the scoring; Glen's mumps helping to provide him with enough space to test the kids' keeper and force a corner. Late in the half the 4th team's ringer came close to the most spectacular of debut goals as he chested up a long throw for an Ernesto-esque bicycle kick that only just cleared the crossbar. Just as it looked like all the 4th team's efforts would turn out to be fruitless they finally converted their chances into a goal as Adie Gray got to the byline and cut-back across goal where the ball fell to Dave Capps and the Welsh winger made no mistake to lash home the opening goal.
Despite being in control for most of the match the 4ths allowed their younger rivals back into the game midway through the second half as Ollie Boden headed home from a corner somehow managing to transport the ball through little Benny Eccleston on the line. As the kids tried to find a way back in the 4th team's opportunities became restricted to counter attacks; with Dan Hill unlucky to be given offside as he broke free down the left. The 4th team's next raid proved equally fruitless as a deep cross fell the way of one of the 4th team's forwards arriving late at the back post; sadly that forward proved to be the 4ths' makeshift striker Glen Wilson and he pulled his shot wide.
Thankfully though the story has a happy ending for the 4ths as they maintained their recent form against the kids with a last gasp winner; Cappsy broke down the right before eventually getting his cross a goal where it was met by the on rushing Ben Eccleston who lashed it home for the winner. Another glorious win for our aging heroes then as they taught today's youth a valuable lesson; playing football with mumps allows you extra space from defenders. That one's free kids.
The 4th Team Line-Up (4-3-3): 1. Alec Waby; 5. Adrian Gray, 25. Matt Crucefix, 4. Paul Miller, 00. Chris Morris; 6. Paul Beagle, 50. Ben Eccleston, 23. Carlie Akinwunmi; 83. Dave Capps, 13. Glen Wilson, 14. Dan Hill
Even with the gaffer in attack the 4th team controlled much of the first half and had chances to open the scoring; Glen's mumps helping to provide him with enough space to test the kids' keeper and force a corner. Late in the half the 4th team's ringer came close to the most spectacular of debut goals as he chested up a long throw for an Ernesto-esque bicycle kick that only just cleared the crossbar. Just as it looked like all the 4th team's efforts would turn out to be fruitless they finally converted their chances into a goal as Adie Gray got to the byline and cut-back across goal where the ball fell to Dave Capps and the Welsh winger made no mistake to lash home the opening goal.
Despite being in control for most of the match the 4ths allowed their younger rivals back into the game midway through the second half as Ollie Boden headed home from a corner somehow managing to transport the ball through little Benny Eccleston on the line. As the kids tried to find a way back in the 4th team's opportunities became restricted to counter attacks; with Dan Hill unlucky to be given offside as he broke free down the left. The 4th team's next raid proved equally fruitless as a deep cross fell the way of one of the 4th team's forwards arriving late at the back post; sadly that forward proved to be the 4ths' makeshift striker Glen Wilson and he pulled his shot wide.
Thankfully though the story has a happy ending for the 4ths as they maintained their recent form against the kids with a last gasp winner; Cappsy broke down the right before eventually getting his cross a goal where it was met by the on rushing Ben Eccleston who lashed it home for the winner. Another glorious win for our aging heroes then as they taught today's youth a valuable lesson; playing football with mumps allows you extra space from defenders. That one's free kids.
The 4th Team Line-Up (4-3-3): 1. Alec Waby; 5. Adrian Gray, 25. Matt Crucefix, 4. Paul Miller, 00. Chris Morris; 6. Paul Beagle, 50. Ben Eccleston, 23. Carlie Akinwunmi; 83. Dave Capps, 13. Glen Wilson, 14. Dan Hill
13 - 20 may 2007: the 4th team's inaugural spanish tour
sunday 13th may
Where else could a tour of Spain begin than in a driveway in Doncaster as four members of the 4th team play a complex rain sodden game of Suitcase Buckaroo in an attempt to get their luggage and themselves into Alfie’s car. Mission accomplished and two hours later our heroes are about to board the plane; Adie Gray standing in his flip-slops looking mournfully through the window at the huge puddles that surround both sets of boarding steps. Once on the tarmac Alf and Glen do the honourable thing and kick as much water as possible in the direction of Adie’s feet.
A flight piloted by the most Scandinavian sounding man since stereotyping began, and an erratic car journey at the hands of Alec later and the majority of the 4th team are united in the porn baron’s villa. As Shandy staggers around the pool table its clear that the squad has been made very welcome by senor Waby. As Al and Glen head off to collect Miller the rest of the squad continue an alcoholic assault that leads them toward the pool and inevitable nakedness.
Mean while at Malaga airport… “You do realise that when we get back they’ll all be naked don’t you” “Yeah, I know”. Miller arrives at the arrivals gate at the same time as a flight from Stockholm, and yet is still recognisable as the whitest man in the airport. Thankfully Miller’s flight from hell has brought a delay which means the nakedness has ended, and in its place the vaguely homo-erotic sight of seven 4th teamers watching Match of the Day in towels heralds Miller’s arrival.
A flight piloted by the most Scandinavian sounding man since stereotyping began, and an erratic car journey at the hands of Alec later and the majority of the 4th team are united in the porn baron’s villa. As Shandy staggers around the pool table its clear that the squad has been made very welcome by senor Waby. As Al and Glen head off to collect Miller the rest of the squad continue an alcoholic assault that leads them toward the pool and inevitable nakedness.
Mean while at Malaga airport… “You do realise that when we get back they’ll all be naked don’t you” “Yeah, I know”. Miller arrives at the arrivals gate at the same time as a flight from Stockholm, and yet is still recognisable as the whitest man in the airport. Thankfully Miller’s flight from hell has brought a delay which means the nakedness has ended, and in its place the vaguely homo-erotic sight of seven 4th teamers watching Match of the Day in towels heralds Miller’s arrival.
monday 14th may
Fresh from insulting the luggage of Premiership footballers at Malaga airport come Jack and Charlie who join the squad as they hit the beach via the cliched British ex-pat seafront café. Roast dinner anyone? Once on the sand the 4ths were joined by the man, the legend, Ernesto ‘Ernie’ del Rio just in time for him to show up the rest of the squad with his acrobatic beach football skills. Having successfully pissed off most of Fuengirola’s holidaymakers having hit them with either football or tennis ball the 4ths returned up the hill to the porn baron’s villa.
Come the evening and the 4th team were back in Fuengirola to lend their support to Waby senior’s Three Lions FC as they took on a Spanish/Argentinian side in the second leg of a local cup tie. Buoyed by the combination of a small stadium, cheap beer, and the impending debuts of Three Lions’ latest signings of Steve ‘Alf Pearce, and Dan ‘Hill Hill’ Hill, the 4ths proceeded to create a atmosphere, that was just a patio-chair-brawl-in-a-main-square away from being the epitome of British football.
With the introduction of crowd favourite the Hill, the atmosphere was raised another notch as chants of ‘Hill Hill Hill’ echoed around the ground, and an impromptu Mexican Wave broke out on the terraces. 4th team TV launched its Hill-Cam especially for the event and soon to be broadcast highlights include a header, a challenge and a beautifully theatrical dive. While the lads on the pitch failed to hit the net, Adie Gray found it a much easier task on the sidelines, as he carried his tray of beers straight into a spare set of goals. His look to the stands to see if anyone had noticed met with the sight of ten men doubled up in hysterics.
Sadly the game went the way of the Argentinian/Spanish select as they shrugged of the classic Scratch heckle of “Not even your mother loves you!” to take the tie on penalties. Not to be downhearted the 4th team drowned their sorrows in an incredible amount of beer and spirits, and a now traditional sojourn of ‘Once, Twice, Three Times an Adie’ from Miller on the Karaoke, only with the additional twist of being used to serenade a bald man.
With Spanish measures and bizarre shots from Waby Senior taking their toll on a number of the squad it was a depleted ten man 4th team who found themselves amidst a volatile scene of pick-pocketing, and ill-advised mime*. Thankfully Ernie came to the rescue to diffuse the situation, but not before Joe and Jack had attempted to break the international language barrier through signed depictions of the phrases “You are a rat”, and “You, are pulling the wool over our eyes”.
(*It would later transpire, that Joe Bur had actually managed to pick-pocket the man who had pick-pocketed him, thus getting his money back, and gaining a letter of deportation for good measure. As Joe would later explain; “I might do this as a living, I’ve pick pocketed another pick-pocket, therefore I have already mastered my trade” “Yeah, but he saw you take it” “And, I still came away with the money… job done.”)
Come the evening and the 4th team were back in Fuengirola to lend their support to Waby senior’s Three Lions FC as they took on a Spanish/Argentinian side in the second leg of a local cup tie. Buoyed by the combination of a small stadium, cheap beer, and the impending debuts of Three Lions’ latest signings of Steve ‘Alf Pearce, and Dan ‘Hill Hill’ Hill, the 4ths proceeded to create a atmosphere, that was just a patio-chair-brawl-in-a-main-square away from being the epitome of British football.
With the introduction of crowd favourite the Hill, the atmosphere was raised another notch as chants of ‘Hill Hill Hill’ echoed around the ground, and an impromptu Mexican Wave broke out on the terraces. 4th team TV launched its Hill-Cam especially for the event and soon to be broadcast highlights include a header, a challenge and a beautifully theatrical dive. While the lads on the pitch failed to hit the net, Adie Gray found it a much easier task on the sidelines, as he carried his tray of beers straight into a spare set of goals. His look to the stands to see if anyone had noticed met with the sight of ten men doubled up in hysterics.
Sadly the game went the way of the Argentinian/Spanish select as they shrugged of the classic Scratch heckle of “Not even your mother loves you!” to take the tie on penalties. Not to be downhearted the 4th team drowned their sorrows in an incredible amount of beer and spirits, and a now traditional sojourn of ‘Once, Twice, Three Times an Adie’ from Miller on the Karaoke, only with the additional twist of being used to serenade a bald man.
With Spanish measures and bizarre shots from Waby Senior taking their toll on a number of the squad it was a depleted ten man 4th team who found themselves amidst a volatile scene of pick-pocketing, and ill-advised mime*. Thankfully Ernie came to the rescue to diffuse the situation, but not before Joe and Jack had attempted to break the international language barrier through signed depictions of the phrases “You are a rat”, and “You, are pulling the wool over our eyes”.
(*It would later transpire, that Joe Bur had actually managed to pick-pocket the man who had pick-pocketed him, thus getting his money back, and gaining a letter of deportation for good measure. As Joe would later explain; “I might do this as a living, I’ve pick pocketed another pick-pocket, therefore I have already mastered my trade” “Yeah, but he saw you take it” “And, I still came away with the money… job done.”)
tuesday 15th may
The day after the night before saw a relaxed if slightly queasy mood at the 4th team’s base in the porn baron’s villa. With the planned fixtures against CIS and Three Lions cancelled due to pitch unavailability and injury the 4ths were left at their leisure before heading for an in-house six-a-side match later in the day. Amongst this free-time Jack and Joe launched a week's worth of banter with the observation that the only residents of the villa down the hill from Al's appeared to be a family of dogs. "Fairplay to them, they've done well for themselves" admired Jack who later in the week would notice; "The`dogs have got themselves a pet human".
Undaunted by the fact that Miller was looking more and more like a cross between a tourist and a child who had been granted a place on the trip via the ‘Make a Wish’ foundation, the 4ths took to the tarmac and gravel for a two hour feast of football. The match finished in a 13-13 draw, noticeable for Alf’s header to open the scoring, Ernie’s classic turn of Charlie, Shandy’s tree climbing and a multitude of blisters.
Their football over for the day, the 4th team retired back to the Porn Baron's Villa, for a subdued night of meat based innuendo around the barbecue and a never ending Pro-Evo tournament.
Undaunted by the fact that Miller was looking more and more like a cross between a tourist and a child who had been granted a place on the trip via the ‘Make a Wish’ foundation, the 4ths took to the tarmac and gravel for a two hour feast of football. The match finished in a 13-13 draw, noticeable for Alf’s header to open the scoring, Ernie’s classic turn of Charlie, Shandy’s tree climbing and a multitude of blisters.
Their football over for the day, the 4th team retired back to the Porn Baron's Villa, for a subdued night of meat based innuendo around the barbecue and a never ending Pro-Evo tournament.
wednesday 16th may
It wouldn't be a Spanish holiday without the potential aquatic neck-breaking fun of a water park would it? Via a temporary set-back as Charlie visited every bank in Fuengirloa in the search of cash, the 4th team headed to the Fuengirloa Water Park and a photo opportunity with a comedy elephant. Other items of note from Aqualand; four 4th team members approaching the freezing pool like a ninety-year-old getting into a bath... Miller's comedy scream and novel stance when riding the incredibly tall water slide... Cappsy's sideways exit of another flume straight onto a lane-rope... Alf's ability to eat twice his own body weight... some shocking crazy golf skills... and the least impressive wave pool ever ridden.
Come the evening, come the first day of a bizarrely organised six-a-side tournament which would see the 4th team challenge the 4th team for supremacy on Spanish soil. Despite the heat, and the fact there were five sides involved the 4th's 'Team E' saw decidedly more action than anyone else to top the group, despite Glen's Jekyll & Hyde goalkeeping, thanks in part to the best struck goal of Miller's entire career, including the twenty years he's yet to play.
Football over, back to the 4th team's other Wednesday pass-time and another night on the town in Fuengirola. First stop was 'the best Tapas bar in Fuengirola' according to Alec, when he eventually found it. The 4th team may have been fed, but in the first bar of the evening it looked like it could be a slow night as a look around the squad saw Cappsy, Ernie and Glen naming flags, Charlie reading a newspaper and Miller and Alf engaged in a game of chess.
Thankfully Shandy "I played county chess", was on hand to help them finish the game and the night really got underway at Castaway, an indie music venue with Al's mate on the bar who uttered the immortal line; "I'll let you pour these" and a DJ who uttered the foolish words "I'll have anything you could possibly want". He clearly hadn't met the Hill before, and a bizarre request list duly followed. In between the bootlegs and B sides came some classic rock allowing Ernesto to show off his one man air-orchestra talents. From here the night weaved its way from bar to beer until Glen and Alf had split up a bizarre beach front fight, Jack had been passenger in a random Spanish joyride and Joe and Charlie had been laid to rest aside the taxi rank. Just another 4th team night out then.
Come the evening, come the first day of a bizarrely organised six-a-side tournament which would see the 4th team challenge the 4th team for supremacy on Spanish soil. Despite the heat, and the fact there were five sides involved the 4th's 'Team E' saw decidedly more action than anyone else to top the group, despite Glen's Jekyll & Hyde goalkeeping, thanks in part to the best struck goal of Miller's entire career, including the twenty years he's yet to play.
Football over, back to the 4th team's other Wednesday pass-time and another night on the town in Fuengirola. First stop was 'the best Tapas bar in Fuengirola' according to Alec, when he eventually found it. The 4th team may have been fed, but in the first bar of the evening it looked like it could be a slow night as a look around the squad saw Cappsy, Ernie and Glen naming flags, Charlie reading a newspaper and Miller and Alf engaged in a game of chess.
Thankfully Shandy "I played county chess", was on hand to help them finish the game and the night really got underway at Castaway, an indie music venue with Al's mate on the bar who uttered the immortal line; "I'll let you pour these" and a DJ who uttered the foolish words "I'll have anything you could possibly want". He clearly hadn't met the Hill before, and a bizarre request list duly followed. In between the bootlegs and B sides came some classic rock allowing Ernesto to show off his one man air-orchestra talents. From here the night weaved its way from bar to beer until Glen and Alf had split up a bizarre beach front fight, Jack had been passenger in a random Spanish joyride and Joe and Charlie had been laid to rest aside the taxi rank. Just another 4th team night out then.
thursday 17th may
Another morning after another night before and a day of lounging round the pool and pool table at the porn baron's villa with the squad left to do their own thing before the night's second leg of the six-a-side tournament. With food supplies dwindling a scouting party was sent down the hill in search of food; led by tourist Miller at the wheel of Al’s car. They got a whole 100 yards down the single track road before coming to a rest amongst a cloud of smoke and an Essex man’s panic, much to the annoyance of a local resident trying to come the other way; “Move car!” “No can do youth, el clutcho es broken”
As the sun began to set, the 4ths were back on the field to face each other in the deciding game of a six-a-side tournament run by the ex-pat version of ? character in Kes. 'Team E' defeated 'Team F', and that will mean as little to you as it did to anyone taking part. Although a special mention to Adie Gray who claimed his second cross-bar challenge win of the trip.
Another night in Fuengirola awaited as Alec, Miller, Cappsy and Glen went in search of Paella, only to discover a frustrating city-wide shortage of the national dish. The squad reunited and headed for Honeyz optimistically titled Hawaiian Beach Party which would be described in retrospect as "a bit c**k heavy". Still, the bar is lucky to be standing at all after Miller's attempt at a flaming sambuca which nearly set the whole saloon alight. And it did offer practical joke potential as the whole squad took turns to fill the hood of an unsuspecting Jack with straws.
On to the next bar then; "What's the offer in here Adie?" "Buy a drink and we get a free sambuca" "Ah man, not another shot", "No... this" and Adie wheels around clutching a whole bottle of Sambuca that the barmaid has just handed him. This was the second sign of the night that we may be overdoing things, the first having come from a conversation between a bar rep and Scratch; "Are you coming in the Underground Bar again tonight lads?" "Were we in there last night?" Come the end of the night and Scratch would go onto excel himself with the ultimate panic purchase from a kebab shop as he ended the evening sat by the taxi rank eating a Pistachio flavoured ice-cream.
As the sun began to set, the 4ths were back on the field to face each other in the deciding game of a six-a-side tournament run by the ex-pat version of ? character in Kes. 'Team E' defeated 'Team F', and that will mean as little to you as it did to anyone taking part. Although a special mention to Adie Gray who claimed his second cross-bar challenge win of the trip.
Another night in Fuengirola awaited as Alec, Miller, Cappsy and Glen went in search of Paella, only to discover a frustrating city-wide shortage of the national dish. The squad reunited and headed for Honeyz optimistically titled Hawaiian Beach Party which would be described in retrospect as "a bit c**k heavy". Still, the bar is lucky to be standing at all after Miller's attempt at a flaming sambuca which nearly set the whole saloon alight. And it did offer practical joke potential as the whole squad took turns to fill the hood of an unsuspecting Jack with straws.
On to the next bar then; "What's the offer in here Adie?" "Buy a drink and we get a free sambuca" "Ah man, not another shot", "No... this" and Adie wheels around clutching a whole bottle of Sambuca that the barmaid has just handed him. This was the second sign of the night that we may be overdoing things, the first having come from a conversation between a bar rep and Scratch; "Are you coming in the Underground Bar again tonight lads?" "Were we in there last night?" Come the end of the night and Scratch would go onto excel himself with the ultimate panic purchase from a kebab shop as he ended the evening sat by the taxi rank eating a Pistachio flavoured ice-cream.
friday 18th may
A day of leisure at the porn baron's villa, punctuated by the occasional 4th team guard of honour to acknowledge the departures of Charlie, Jack and Ernesto from their Fuengirolan Odyssey. When not applauding fellow team-mates the remaining 4ths passed much of the time in the pool with the inevitable and overdue long jump competition giving way to the eagerly anticipated "Can the Hill walk on water?" challenge. Inevitably he can, as can Cappsy, although for only three steps.
Friday night, and Glen, Cappsy, Miller and Alec hit the town early to sample paella, only to stumble across the only restaurant in Spain that didn’t serve the national dish. The squad reunited outside Foreplay, for more subdued social drinking than had been afforded by the bar’s liberal policy on Sambuca freebies the previous night.
Friday night, and Glen, Cappsy, Miller and Alec hit the town early to sample paella, only to stumble across the only restaurant in Spain that didn’t serve the national dish. The squad reunited outside Foreplay, for more subdued social drinking than had been afforded by the bar’s liberal policy on Sambuca freebies the previous night.
saturday 19th may
The big one; FA Cup Final day. A big build up had preceded it, and so an expectant ten strong crowd gathered in the living room of the 4th team camp to watch the action unfold. Sadly the only action that was to unfold was the gradual slip from consciousness into a mid-match siesta for at least five of the squad. And so while half the 4ths slept, Chelsea won, Shandy whinged and that was that.
Come the evening, come an unexpected call up for some of the senior members of the 4th team squad; Glen, Scratch and Adie getting the nod to make their debuts for the touring Staines Town veterans, whilst Miller, Cappsy and the Hill crossed the language barrier to represent Mijas, although some crossed it better than others eh Miller? [see the quotes section]. The match took place on a remarkable pitch embedded in the top of a particularly high hill, higher even than the Hill, complete with the now customary bar and stands.
In the first half the 4ths’ Staines Town massive had to make content with heckling Miller from the sideline “Look at him, he doesn’t want it… you can see it in his eyes”, while out on the pitch the Hill had managed to convince the touring party he was ‘one of them’ [raaaciiiiiiisssssttttt!].Come the second half and the match was livened up, in part due to the introduction of goalkeeper-cum-involuntary-juggling-act Glen Wilson, who remarkably kept a clean sheet as the match finished with victory to Ali G’s own.
The week’s endeavours had taken their toll on the touring party and so a depleted squad eventually hit the haunts of Fuengirola for a final night out; although the side was boosted by the addition of Al’s older brother. He wasn’t the only guest star of the night as Miller managed to tag an entire hen party onto the group in one bar; inevitably they proved to be from Doncaster, a fact discovered when I looked up from coverage to see the entire hen party plus 4ths looking at me, following Miller’s point and the words “…so’s he”.
I think it must be Millers almost monotone delivery, but somehow he managed to slip in ridiculous innuendo and insult into a conversation with the bride to be, which at one point sounded like he had left her having doubts about the decision and contemplating a move to Brentwood. The housewives’ choice no longer even waits for them to become housewives. The night ended after our now customary nod of acceptance from the head bouncer at the Underground had led us into what, for the sheer volume of blokes, could have been a gay bar, however it was not the case, a fact most clearly reinforced by the almost primeval mating rituals being attempted by the clientele with any woman foolish enough to hit the dancefloor.
As Scratch headed with Adie in search of ‘that tall blond American bird’ Miller, Glen and Cappsy headed for the taxi rank. As they went to get in the vehicle an argument began with a particularly large drunk and aggressive Scot who claimed he’d flagged down the cab. “Don’t be daft man, this is a taxi rank, you didn’t flag it down, it just stopped here” offered a foolishly brave gaffer, leading to tense pause that would normally have caused the situation to escalate. Only for the unexpected reply of “No you’re quite right, I apologise.” It had been that sort of night really.
Come the evening, come an unexpected call up for some of the senior members of the 4th team squad; Glen, Scratch and Adie getting the nod to make their debuts for the touring Staines Town veterans, whilst Miller, Cappsy and the Hill crossed the language barrier to represent Mijas, although some crossed it better than others eh Miller? [see the quotes section]. The match took place on a remarkable pitch embedded in the top of a particularly high hill, higher even than the Hill, complete with the now customary bar and stands.
In the first half the 4ths’ Staines Town massive had to make content with heckling Miller from the sideline “Look at him, he doesn’t want it… you can see it in his eyes”, while out on the pitch the Hill had managed to convince the touring party he was ‘one of them’ [raaaciiiiiiisssssttttt!].Come the second half and the match was livened up, in part due to the introduction of goalkeeper-cum-involuntary-juggling-act Glen Wilson, who remarkably kept a clean sheet as the match finished with victory to Ali G’s own.
The week’s endeavours had taken their toll on the touring party and so a depleted squad eventually hit the haunts of Fuengirola for a final night out; although the side was boosted by the addition of Al’s older brother. He wasn’t the only guest star of the night as Miller managed to tag an entire hen party onto the group in one bar; inevitably they proved to be from Doncaster, a fact discovered when I looked up from coverage to see the entire hen party plus 4ths looking at me, following Miller’s point and the words “…so’s he”.
I think it must be Millers almost monotone delivery, but somehow he managed to slip in ridiculous innuendo and insult into a conversation with the bride to be, which at one point sounded like he had left her having doubts about the decision and contemplating a move to Brentwood. The housewives’ choice no longer even waits for them to become housewives. The night ended after our now customary nod of acceptance from the head bouncer at the Underground had led us into what, for the sheer volume of blokes, could have been a gay bar, however it was not the case, a fact most clearly reinforced by the almost primeval mating rituals being attempted by the clientele with any woman foolish enough to hit the dancefloor.
As Scratch headed with Adie in search of ‘that tall blond American bird’ Miller, Glen and Cappsy headed for the taxi rank. As they went to get in the vehicle an argument began with a particularly large drunk and aggressive Scot who claimed he’d flagged down the cab. “Don’t be daft man, this is a taxi rank, you didn’t flag it down, it just stopped here” offered a foolishly brave gaffer, leading to tense pause that would normally have caused the situation to escalate. Only for the unexpected reply of “No you’re quite right, I apologise.” It had been that sort of night really.
sunday 20th may
The final day; interspersed with last minute sun-bathing, pool-playing, pool-swimming, cricket-watching, banter-exchanging, and an epic pro-evo match as 4th team favourite Cappsy defeated Alf in front of a partisan crowd (he didn’t want it enough). Alas, the time came though and bit by bit our heroes departed for the homeland, leaving military man Alf to gain a medal by finding his own way home, and Alec to continue his own personal war with that pesky dog; “BENGIE!”. You can’t help but feel this is how the dog family down the hill inherited their mansion. Don’t let him win Al, or before you know it you’ll find yourself out on the street while your dog employs a gardener and spends its time lounging on the veranda; it can happen, we’ve all seen it.
And so, as it had begun in rain-sodden driveway in Doncaster it ended, for me, dropped in a cold darkened lay-by on a Lincoln roadside. If it wasn’t for the patchy tan, the sand in my pockets, the increasingly aged liver, the one euro coin that inevitably the woman at Spar wouldn’t accept, or the weeks worth of banter you’d never have know it had taken place. The football may not have happened as we had planned, but the first 4th team tour had surely been more than we had all expected. What can I say… that’s just how we roll.
And so, as it had begun in rain-sodden driveway in Doncaster it ended, for me, dropped in a cold darkened lay-by on a Lincoln roadside. If it wasn’t for the patchy tan, the sand in my pockets, the increasingly aged liver, the one euro coin that inevitably the woman at Spar wouldn’t accept, or the weeks worth of banter you’d never have know it had taken place. The football may not have happened as we had planned, but the first 4th team tour had surely been more than we had all expected. What can I say… that’s just how we roll.
the 4th team in spain; a tour in quotes
Firstly 'The Alf Collection'... Starting with the car journey to Doncaster Airport... "I can't wait for flying cars so we could set off and go in a straight line all the way there" ...and whilst attempting a three point turn on the main junction with the A1; "It's ok, its ok, its ok, its ok, its ok, its ok, its ok"
On the plane Alf continued his form with a couple of classic conversations with Glen, firstly whilst looking at a brochure; "That looks nice, I might go there" ..."Alf, you know we're not going to Malaga don't you" cue genuine shock from Alf; "...aren't we?" And then as the plane began its descent into land; "Is this the stratosphere?" ..."no Alf, they're clouds"
Once in Spain Alf continued his assault on the tour's quotation log with the following choice remarks... "I'm not lazy, I'm a machine", the incredibly honest; "Sorry, I don't know things", the reposte to jokes about his xenophobic diet; "I did eat something foreign... I had lasagne", and finally... "If you could sell my metabolism to women you'd make enough money to buy... a country".
Not to be outdone was Shandy with his inoffensive version of the English language to a startled Ernesto; "Don't go f***ing of back to f***ing Zaragoza with my f***ing credit card, you f***er", not to mention his indepth view on the events of 9/11; "I remember when that all kicked off, and I though f**k this, Bush is going to f***ing go over there and s**g them up the arse for that"
Plus a couple of classics from the housewives' favourite, Mr Paul Miller, firstly pausing during his karaoke performance to aks "Who are you? Seriously who are you?" of the bald man he had found himself serenading, and also displaying his knowledge of the local lingo whilst playing for Mijas "Ci, ci, ci ci... Man On! ...ci, ci".
However, the honour of 'quote of the week' goes to the 4th team's Spaniard in Residence, Mr Ernesto del Rio, as he explained to Joe Burr why he does not have his own 'senorita'... "I see a senorita and I think she is beautiful and maybe she could be mine, but then [whilst pointing in different directions]I see senorita, I see senorita, I see senorita, I see senorita..."
On the plane Alf continued his form with a couple of classic conversations with Glen, firstly whilst looking at a brochure; "That looks nice, I might go there" ..."Alf, you know we're not going to Malaga don't you" cue genuine shock from Alf; "...aren't we?" And then as the plane began its descent into land; "Is this the stratosphere?" ..."no Alf, they're clouds"
Once in Spain Alf continued his assault on the tour's quotation log with the following choice remarks... "I'm not lazy, I'm a machine", the incredibly honest; "Sorry, I don't know things", the reposte to jokes about his xenophobic diet; "I did eat something foreign... I had lasagne", and finally... "If you could sell my metabolism to women you'd make enough money to buy... a country".
Not to be outdone was Shandy with his inoffensive version of the English language to a startled Ernesto; "Don't go f***ing of back to f***ing Zaragoza with my f***ing credit card, you f***er", not to mention his indepth view on the events of 9/11; "I remember when that all kicked off, and I though f**k this, Bush is going to f***ing go over there and s**g them up the arse for that"
Plus a couple of classics from the housewives' favourite, Mr Paul Miller, firstly pausing during his karaoke performance to aks "Who are you? Seriously who are you?" of the bald man he had found himself serenading, and also displaying his knowledge of the local lingo whilst playing for Mijas "Ci, ci, ci ci... Man On! ...ci, ci".
However, the honour of 'quote of the week' goes to the 4th team's Spaniard in Residence, Mr Ernesto del Rio, as he explained to Joe Burr why he does not have his own 'senorita'... "I see a senorita and I think she is beautiful and maybe she could be mine, but then [whilst pointing in different directions]I see senorita, I see senorita, I see senorita, I see senorita..."
25 APRIL 2007: CHARLIE WILKINSON MEMORIAL TOURNAMENT
The most important date in the 4th team calendar came round again, with a number of the 'veteran' wing returning to Lincoln early for the now customary pre-matchday 'wuiet night' out. However, with the absense of el capitan Scratch, the quiet one remained pretty quiet for once and so a fairly fit fifteen strong 4th team lined up for a day's football at the Ruston Marconi dustbowl in memory of former 4th teamer Charlie Wilkinson. After an immaculately observed minutes silence for Wilko the first round of matches began with the 4th team forced into reffing duties while they awaited the start of their own tournament.
First up for the 4ths were the table topping West, fresh from a 3-0 defeat of the South in the opening game. The better chances of the opening half went the way of the 4ths, however a desire for too much footballing intracy left Gerrard without the goal he and the 4ths should have had. In amongst all this football there was still chance for Matt Crucefix to come to the sideline and observe that the Hill is "not as fast as he used to be". Andy Richmond came on for the second half, only to roll off the field within ten seconds what looked a fifty-fifty challenge turned out to be more of a hundred-zero challenge. Chances fell by the wayside, or Gerrad's right foot, and the match ended in a goalless draw.
Next up were the East (aka Norfolk and Germany) and at last a goal for the 4ths as Cappsy got on the end of a through ball to lift it into the net; sadly we did not know it then but this would prove to be the 4ths only goal of the day. For the rest of the match the 4ths then chose the gameplan of an ex Soviet side away from home in he first leg of a European Cup clash; see it out lads. Thankfully a last gasp potentially over the line winner was turned away by Alec and the 4ths moved up to second place with two games to go.
Next up were the North and the ringer to end all ringers as former professional footballer Dean Walling lined-up against the 4ths. Unfortunately despite the ex St Kitss & Nevis international's proven pedigree the 4th team elected to leave him free on a corner, and paid the price to concede their first goal of the tournament. The ex Doncaster player clearly had the 4ths rattled, as shown when keeper Alec Waby decided to take a pot shot at his own goal, only denied by Paul Miller with a confused header off the line mid-shrug. Having been denied a stonewall penalty appeal it went from bad to worse for the 4ths as the one international player on show scored his second early in the second half, but not before gaffer Glen Wilson had exorcised personal deamons by turning the man. The 4ths went 3-0 down from the penalty spot, but then as the crowds gathered, they continued to look for a way back into the game sending an unprecedented thirteen men up for one corner. However, moment of the match went the way of Benny Eccleston with a timely nutmegs on Andy Adlington.
A first defeat suffered, but the 4ths still had a chance to win the tournament as they took to the field for their final match against bottom team the South. Unfortunately they suffered a blow to their chances early on as self styled army man used his predatory insticts to take out his own keeper. Inevitably Glen donned the gloves and took over the mantle, and the gravel of the goalkeepers position. Sadly though Glen could do little to keep out the South as they took the lead from the penalty spot in the second half before clinching the match late on, consigning the 4ths to fourth place in the table. All that remained was for the 4ths to hit the town, and witness the debut karaoke performance of emerging singing star Paul Miller with his rendition of "Once, Twice, Three Times an Adie" taking Essence by storm. Could he be the Hill's big tip for the year? Time will tell.
The 4th Team's Results...
Match 1: the 4th team 0-0 the West
Match 2: the 4th team 1-0 the East
Match 3: the 4th team 0-3 the North
Match 4: the 4th team 0-2 the South
The 4th Team Squad: 1. Alec Waby, 4. Paul Miller, 5. Adie Gray, 9. Andy Richmond, 13. Glen Wilson, 14. Dan 'Hill Hill' Hill, 17. John Moore, 23. Charlie Akinwunmi, 24. Matt 'the goat' Crucefix, 27. Jack Woodlock 31. Steve 'Alf' Pearce, 50. Ben Eccleston, 83. Dave Capps, 88. Dave 'Gerrard' Carver, 00. Gav Sumner
Man of the Match Voting: Paul Miller (5 votes), Steve 'Alf' Pearce (3), John Moore (2), Jack Woodlock (2), Dave 'Gerrard' Carver (1), Alec Waby (1), Glen Wilson (1), Gav Sumner (1)
Dick of the Day Voting: Jack Woodlock "for his comedy fall and crawl" (3 votes), Dave 'Gerrad' Carver "greedy bastard" (2), Matt Crucefix "I've got a bit of a tan" (2), Dan 'Hill Hill' Hill "not as quick as he used to be" (2), John Moore "for trying to get a ball out of a big tree with a tiny stick" (2), Steve 'Alf' Pearce (2), Charlie Akinwunmi (1), Dave Capps (1), Benny Eccleston (1), Adie Gray (1)
First up for the 4ths were the table topping West, fresh from a 3-0 defeat of the South in the opening game. The better chances of the opening half went the way of the 4ths, however a desire for too much footballing intracy left Gerrard without the goal he and the 4ths should have had. In amongst all this football there was still chance for Matt Crucefix to come to the sideline and observe that the Hill is "not as fast as he used to be". Andy Richmond came on for the second half, only to roll off the field within ten seconds what looked a fifty-fifty challenge turned out to be more of a hundred-zero challenge. Chances fell by the wayside, or Gerrad's right foot, and the match ended in a goalless draw.
Next up were the East (aka Norfolk and Germany) and at last a goal for the 4ths as Cappsy got on the end of a through ball to lift it into the net; sadly we did not know it then but this would prove to be the 4ths only goal of the day. For the rest of the match the 4ths then chose the gameplan of an ex Soviet side away from home in he first leg of a European Cup clash; see it out lads. Thankfully a last gasp potentially over the line winner was turned away by Alec and the 4ths moved up to second place with two games to go.
Next up were the North and the ringer to end all ringers as former professional footballer Dean Walling lined-up against the 4ths. Unfortunately despite the ex St Kitss & Nevis international's proven pedigree the 4th team elected to leave him free on a corner, and paid the price to concede their first goal of the tournament. The ex Doncaster player clearly had the 4ths rattled, as shown when keeper Alec Waby decided to take a pot shot at his own goal, only denied by Paul Miller with a confused header off the line mid-shrug. Having been denied a stonewall penalty appeal it went from bad to worse for the 4ths as the one international player on show scored his second early in the second half, but not before gaffer Glen Wilson had exorcised personal deamons by turning the man. The 4ths went 3-0 down from the penalty spot, but then as the crowds gathered, they continued to look for a way back into the game sending an unprecedented thirteen men up for one corner. However, moment of the match went the way of Benny Eccleston with a timely nutmegs on Andy Adlington.
A first defeat suffered, but the 4ths still had a chance to win the tournament as they took to the field for their final match against bottom team the South. Unfortunately they suffered a blow to their chances early on as self styled army man used his predatory insticts to take out his own keeper. Inevitably Glen donned the gloves and took over the mantle, and the gravel of the goalkeepers position. Sadly though Glen could do little to keep out the South as they took the lead from the penalty spot in the second half before clinching the match late on, consigning the 4ths to fourth place in the table. All that remained was for the 4ths to hit the town, and witness the debut karaoke performance of emerging singing star Paul Miller with his rendition of "Once, Twice, Three Times an Adie" taking Essence by storm. Could he be the Hill's big tip for the year? Time will tell.
The 4th Team's Results...
Match 1: the 4th team 0-0 the West
Match 2: the 4th team 1-0 the East
Match 3: the 4th team 0-3 the North
Match 4: the 4th team 0-2 the South
The 4th Team Squad: 1. Alec Waby, 4. Paul Miller, 5. Adie Gray, 9. Andy Richmond, 13. Glen Wilson, 14. Dan 'Hill Hill' Hill, 17. John Moore, 23. Charlie Akinwunmi, 24. Matt 'the goat' Crucefix, 27. Jack Woodlock 31. Steve 'Alf' Pearce, 50. Ben Eccleston, 83. Dave Capps, 88. Dave 'Gerrard' Carver, 00. Gav Sumner
Man of the Match Voting: Paul Miller (5 votes), Steve 'Alf' Pearce (3), John Moore (2), Jack Woodlock (2), Dave 'Gerrard' Carver (1), Alec Waby (1), Glen Wilson (1), Gav Sumner (1)
Dick of the Day Voting: Jack Woodlock "for his comedy fall and crawl" (3 votes), Dave 'Gerrad' Carver "greedy bastard" (2), Matt Crucefix "I've got a bit of a tan" (2), Dan 'Hill Hill' Hill "not as quick as he used to be" (2), John Moore "for trying to get a ball out of a big tree with a tiny stick" (2), Steve 'Alf' Pearce (2), Charlie Akinwunmi (1), Dave Capps (1), Benny Eccleston (1), Adie Gray (1)
10 FEBRUARY 2007: THE 4TH TEAM 6-2 UNIVERSITY OF LINCOLN 5THS
Such is the free-flowing footballing phenomenon of the 4th team, that it has become well documented that they now must drink their weight in alcohol the night before a match just to level the playing field. And so it cam to pass, that amidst anecdotes and homo-erotic videos of the previous night's escapades that the 4th team convened (the Hill and Jazz exchanging nervous embarrassed glances) for their now traditional pre-match Scream breakfast. Tactics, fry-ups and a dubious vegetarian curry digested our heroes headed on to the home of Lincoln football, and unofficial mud-wrestling venue, the West Common to take on those pesky kids; the all-new University of Lincoln 5th team.
The 4ths were welcoming back long term absentee Dan Vines to the fold, and there was no doubting his new fireman professionalism as Scratch attempted to involve him in polite discussion; "Lets talk about it later..."Yeah, lets not f**k about eh lads?" "Get your game heads on" As the laughter subsided, the Hill volunteered some tactical nous; "I've got an idea for a set-piece" ...cue more laughter. However, the rest of the squad soon emerged and, once match referee Andy Adlington had waded out to the shallow end of Pitch 6 to declare it fit, amidst torrential rain, the two teams took to the swamp.
The 4ths were without worldly travellers Matt Crucefix and Bitchin' Joe Stevens, not to mention Joe Burr and Paul Miller, both absent due to a sudden bout of employment. However the squad was boosted with the aforementioned return of "Vinesy", not to mention 'Jazz', fresh from a loan spell in Malaysia and showboating full-back Tom "turn the" Heaton back after a season in the real world. The 4ths kicked off procedings and it was clear they had an early advantage over the opposition, as only Jazz from the 4ths was forced to the edge of the pitch to vomit, whilst both Shandy and Ben Eccleston of the 5ths had to pause from the action to throw up.
Despite the 4ths apparent health advantage, it was the 5ths who nearly opened the scoring only to be denied by a smart save from Christian Sales, revelling in his new centre goal position. However, it was to be the 4ths who opened the scoring and chants of "Hill Hill Hill" reverberated across west Lincoln as the old man put the 4th team in front, embarrassing Alec 'outstanding' Waby to score direct from a corner. There was brief contoversy as Jack Woodlock found himself receiving a giant yellow card from referee Adlington for hand-ball, however this was replaced by jubilation within minutes as Scratch won a header and celebrated before the ball had even hit the ground. The 4ths regained their composure from this historical moment to double their lead as the Malaysian sensation, and one half of the 4ths first in-house marriage, Jazz finished off a well worked move to make it 2-0. By half-time the 4ths held a three goal advantage, Dan Vines, crowning his return with a solo goal.
Come the second half, the 4th team's game plan went out the window as they adopted a total football approach which saw a centre-half cameo appearance from Vines, and some disappointingly selfish play from Gerrard and the Hill. Both players finished with match stats resembling a stupid yet egotistical Mastermind contestant as they both scored two with no passes; the Hill adding to his first half strike by eventually stabbing home a shot after seven turns too many in the 5th team box, whilst Gerrad was on hand to knock a couple more over the line to take the 4ths game tally to six.
The real action was at the other end as first Christian with a brilliant one handed save, and then Glen Wilson with a last ditch tackle, did their best to prevent Alec Waby from finding the net. Amidst his prevention of Alec, Christian also found time to make a rare trip outside of his penalty area, and also fall on his arse with a comical yell of "Oooops" whilst taking a goal-kick. Sadly Waby eventually found the net from the penalty spot, his goal following a previous goal from Shandy which had somehow gone underneath Christian. And so the match ended with another victory to a mud-drenched 4th team and the players progressed onto drunkeness.
The 4th Team Line Up: (4-4-2) 30. Christian Sales; 2. Tom "turn the" Heaton, 5. Adie Gray, 13. Glen Wilson, 27. Jack "ewok" Woodlock; 83. Dave Capps, 6. Paul "scratch" Beagle, 12. "Jazz" Shu Hiong Tan, 14. Dan "Hill Hill" Hill; 10. Dan Vines, 88. Dave "Gerrard" Carver
Man of the Match: Dan Vines (5 votes) "he can still skin people" ...Steve 'Alf' Pearce (4) "for catching the kiss on film" ...'Jazz' Shu Hiong Tan (2) "for f***ing off out of England"
Dick of the Day: Dan Hill (4 votes) "old" "awful finishing" "not passing" "paedophile" ...Christian Sales (3) "he just has me in stitches when he plays" ...Dan Vines (2) "he has a gammy dog" ...Chris 'Shandy' Sharpe (1) "produced more vomit than acurate passes" ...John Moore (1) "trying to get a ball from a big tree with a tiny stick"
The 4ths were welcoming back long term absentee Dan Vines to the fold, and there was no doubting his new fireman professionalism as Scratch attempted to involve him in polite discussion; "Lets talk about it later..."Yeah, lets not f**k about eh lads?" "Get your game heads on" As the laughter subsided, the Hill volunteered some tactical nous; "I've got an idea for a set-piece" ...cue more laughter. However, the rest of the squad soon emerged and, once match referee Andy Adlington had waded out to the shallow end of Pitch 6 to declare it fit, amidst torrential rain, the two teams took to the swamp.
The 4ths were without worldly travellers Matt Crucefix and Bitchin' Joe Stevens, not to mention Joe Burr and Paul Miller, both absent due to a sudden bout of employment. However the squad was boosted with the aforementioned return of "Vinesy", not to mention 'Jazz', fresh from a loan spell in Malaysia and showboating full-back Tom "turn the" Heaton back after a season in the real world. The 4ths kicked off procedings and it was clear they had an early advantage over the opposition, as only Jazz from the 4ths was forced to the edge of the pitch to vomit, whilst both Shandy and Ben Eccleston of the 5ths had to pause from the action to throw up.
Despite the 4ths apparent health advantage, it was the 5ths who nearly opened the scoring only to be denied by a smart save from Christian Sales, revelling in his new centre goal position. However, it was to be the 4ths who opened the scoring and chants of "Hill Hill Hill" reverberated across west Lincoln as the old man put the 4th team in front, embarrassing Alec 'outstanding' Waby to score direct from a corner. There was brief contoversy as Jack Woodlock found himself receiving a giant yellow card from referee Adlington for hand-ball, however this was replaced by jubilation within minutes as Scratch won a header and celebrated before the ball had even hit the ground. The 4ths regained their composure from this historical moment to double their lead as the Malaysian sensation, and one half of the 4ths first in-house marriage, Jazz finished off a well worked move to make it 2-0. By half-time the 4ths held a three goal advantage, Dan Vines, crowning his return with a solo goal.
Come the second half, the 4th team's game plan went out the window as they adopted a total football approach which saw a centre-half cameo appearance from Vines, and some disappointingly selfish play from Gerrard and the Hill. Both players finished with match stats resembling a stupid yet egotistical Mastermind contestant as they both scored two with no passes; the Hill adding to his first half strike by eventually stabbing home a shot after seven turns too many in the 5th team box, whilst Gerrad was on hand to knock a couple more over the line to take the 4ths game tally to six.
The real action was at the other end as first Christian with a brilliant one handed save, and then Glen Wilson with a last ditch tackle, did their best to prevent Alec Waby from finding the net. Amidst his prevention of Alec, Christian also found time to make a rare trip outside of his penalty area, and also fall on his arse with a comical yell of "Oooops" whilst taking a goal-kick. Sadly Waby eventually found the net from the penalty spot, his goal following a previous goal from Shandy which had somehow gone underneath Christian. And so the match ended with another victory to a mud-drenched 4th team and the players progressed onto drunkeness.
The 4th Team Line Up: (4-4-2) 30. Christian Sales; 2. Tom "turn the" Heaton, 5. Adie Gray, 13. Glen Wilson, 27. Jack "ewok" Woodlock; 83. Dave Capps, 6. Paul "scratch" Beagle, 12. "Jazz" Shu Hiong Tan, 14. Dan "Hill Hill" Hill; 10. Dan Vines, 88. Dave "Gerrard" Carver
Man of the Match: Dan Vines (5 votes) "he can still skin people" ...Steve 'Alf' Pearce (4) "for catching the kiss on film" ...'Jazz' Shu Hiong Tan (2) "for f***ing off out of England"
Dick of the Day: Dan Hill (4 votes) "old" "awful finishing" "not passing" "paedophile" ...Christian Sales (3) "he just has me in stitches when he plays" ...Dan Vines (2) "he has a gammy dog" ...Chris 'Shandy' Sharpe (1) "produced more vomit than acurate passes" ...John Moore (1) "trying to get a ball from a big tree with a tiny stick"
14 october 2006: the 4th team 4-4 university of lincoln 5ths
Twelve months on from the 4th team's first outing as 'veterans' our heroes returned to the scene of the crime to do battle once again with the young pretenders to their alcohol soaked throne. Eager to avenge that shock hungover 3-2 defeat a year ago the 4th team had been boosted by the graduation of Adrian Gray and Joe Burr and the introduction of a recognised goalkeeper in Christian Sales... well he had his own gloves. As ever the 4th team endulged in their now custom pre-match ritual the night before the battle; convening over 'a few quiet drinks' to discuss formations and tactics... and seven hours later one of our back three was found asleep in a hotel car-park soaked in his own urine. Ever the professionals
As kick-off approached an expectant crowd of 4th team fanatics had gathered on Lincoln's esteemed West Common playing fields, and both of them were to be treated to another artisan display of the beautiful game, and an unexpected burst of trash talk Suffolk-stylee from Joe 'El Burro' Burr; "Lay it off to me Hill, you don't know what I've got cooking". Experimenting with an attack minded 3-4-3 formation the 4th team began the game in a free-flowing exhibition style exemplified by Paul 'Housewives' Choice' Miller as he placed his first kick into touch via the nearest available cloud.
As has become their style since graduation the 4th team moved the ball around with ease and confidence, but despite their dominance on the posession-o-meter it was the university 5ths who had the first major attempt on goal. A low shot from the edge of the box looked destined for the far corner, only for Christian Sales to dive full length and turn it round the post... it all seemed to happen in slow motion and thats because it did. With the 4th team back three confounding everyone's expectations and proving suprisingly solid the veterans decided it was time to go on the attack.
Forcing a corner, the Dan Hill and Scratch double act took centre stage; "Pick me out Scratch, I'm open". "Fuck off Hill, you're shit in the air," came our captain's reposte before he floated the ball directly at the seven foot forward who attempted the most audacious of bicycle kicks to prove his skipper wrong. And, as the ball sailed freely into the autumn Lincoln sky it came to pass that Scratch was indeed correct, and the Hill posesses the worst height to effective aerial contribution ratio in the modern game. A fact sadly compounded by the success of gaffer Glen 'Mr' Wilson to make two, yes two, accurate and effective headers in the same half.
The same could not be said though of the tackling efficiency of Joe 'El Burro' Burr as he and an opponent threw themselves into a fifty-fifty challenge outside the 4th team box. So determined were El Burro and his opponent in looking committed in front of their colleagues that they forgot about the trifling inconsequence of the round leather ball that rolled gently between them as they settled in a tangle of foolish limbs. Luckily for El Burro this affliction to leather spheres was contagious and within moments Christian took an almighty swing at a gentle pass back and successfully missed everything in front of him, allowing the ball to trickle to the feet of Miller at the other side of the goal.
Amidst the ridiculous there were also goals with the 4th team eventually taking a deserved lead through The Hill; neat play down the left brought the ball into the penalty area and 'The Late' Riley Samuda held the ball up before it was lashed into the far corner by the veteran of veterans. Despite experiencing the majority of the posession the 4th team would go in at half time level. A slow arching throw out by Christian finding Miller under pressure, and the 5th team capitalised stealing the ball and turning in the resultant cross at the far post for a half-time scoreline of 1-1.
Cometh the second half, cometh the goals. First on the score sheet were those pesky 5th team upstarts. Their feeble break was no match for the 4th team's experienced offside trap, or at least it wouldn't have been if their had been linesmen... instead it left one of them clean through and their team 2-1 up. Cheeky kids. Time for the unspoken 4th team motto of 'if they score we'll just score two' to kick in. First, some neat passing put Dave 'Gerrard' Carver into the area and he rolled home an equaliser before the Hill gave the opposition a valuable lesson in running very fast, dummying Miller's hoof down the wing on the halfway line before giving chase to slot the ball past Waby Senior. 3-2 to the 4ths.
To paraphrase the thoughts of the 4th team at kick off; "It doesn't matter what the score is, just don't let Alec score". We know he can hit a ball, but at thirty yards out we must be safe. Well you do the maths... A shot leaves Alec's boot thirty yards from goal, heading at pace to the right hand side of the goal. At the same time, the goalkeeper sets off across goal from his unauthordox starting position of five yards to the left of his goal. At which point will they meet? The answer, inevitably, was that they will not; 3-3. Gutted, but undisturbed by this inevitable nightmare the 4th team elected to take the lead again, Gerrad squeezing the ball past Waby Senior and beating Riley Samuda to the finish. All over? Of course not, the 5ths levelled it up again as a corner was half-cleared and then scuffed back goalwards before being turned into the net by a 5th teamers heel. The sheer impudence of the kids these days knows no bounds.
As is custom with 4th team outings these days the goals only tell half the story. Special mentions also to another Christian Sales save, despite hugging his left hand post as if it were a freshly purchased drink during a nightclub fire alarm. The decisive shouts from the mouth of Captain Scratch; "This may or may not be Scratch's ball"... "That's where I should be", yelled as there striker dribbled through an opening in midfield... and "Benny, can you just mark someone else, I need some alone time". Two comedy falls to the ground, a semi-injured triple jump style tumble from the Hill and Jack 'the Ewok' Woodlock's, twelve-point fall which took him most of the second half to finally hit the deck. Last word to the Hill, buoyed on by one successful header in midfield he attacked a high ball in defence with the embittered war-cry "Weeeeeee!". Alas, he didn't win it.
And so with the football done with for another episode the rest of the evening descended into drunken debauchery and dancing, not to mention some choice quotes, well into the night: "It smells of old badgers in here" ... "Yes he sells porn... but we're thinking of going into roofing"... "I wouldn't mind being a fireman, you spend most of your time sitting around doing nothing, but then some days you do die"... "The Hill has gone off with that big boobed whore"
The 4th Team line up: (3-4-3): 30. Christian Sales; 4. Paul Miller, 13. Glen Wilson, 5. Adrian Gray; 3. Joe Burr, 6. Paul Beagle, 88. Dave Carver, 27. Jack Woodlock; 83. Dave Capps, 82. Riley Samuda, 14. Dan Hill
Man of the Match: Jack "ewok" Woodlock (4 votes), Adie Gray (2), Dave Capps (1), Paul Miller (1), Christian Sales (1), "the late" Riley Samuda (1), Alec Waby's dad "...he sells porn for a living, what a man" (1)
Dick of the Day: Adrian Gray* (4 votes), Christian Sales (4), Jack "ewok" Woodlock (1), Matt "the goat" Crucefix (1), Cappsy's Mum (1)
*Adrian wins by losing a drunken paper, scissors, stone tie-breaker 2-1
As kick-off approached an expectant crowd of 4th team fanatics had gathered on Lincoln's esteemed West Common playing fields, and both of them were to be treated to another artisan display of the beautiful game, and an unexpected burst of trash talk Suffolk-stylee from Joe 'El Burro' Burr; "Lay it off to me Hill, you don't know what I've got cooking". Experimenting with an attack minded 3-4-3 formation the 4th team began the game in a free-flowing exhibition style exemplified by Paul 'Housewives' Choice' Miller as he placed his first kick into touch via the nearest available cloud.
As has become their style since graduation the 4th team moved the ball around with ease and confidence, but despite their dominance on the posession-o-meter it was the university 5ths who had the first major attempt on goal. A low shot from the edge of the box looked destined for the far corner, only for Christian Sales to dive full length and turn it round the post... it all seemed to happen in slow motion and thats because it did. With the 4th team back three confounding everyone's expectations and proving suprisingly solid the veterans decided it was time to go on the attack.
Forcing a corner, the Dan Hill and Scratch double act took centre stage; "Pick me out Scratch, I'm open". "Fuck off Hill, you're shit in the air," came our captain's reposte before he floated the ball directly at the seven foot forward who attempted the most audacious of bicycle kicks to prove his skipper wrong. And, as the ball sailed freely into the autumn Lincoln sky it came to pass that Scratch was indeed correct, and the Hill posesses the worst height to effective aerial contribution ratio in the modern game. A fact sadly compounded by the success of gaffer Glen 'Mr' Wilson to make two, yes two, accurate and effective headers in the same half.
The same could not be said though of the tackling efficiency of Joe 'El Burro' Burr as he and an opponent threw themselves into a fifty-fifty challenge outside the 4th team box. So determined were El Burro and his opponent in looking committed in front of their colleagues that they forgot about the trifling inconsequence of the round leather ball that rolled gently between them as they settled in a tangle of foolish limbs. Luckily for El Burro this affliction to leather spheres was contagious and within moments Christian took an almighty swing at a gentle pass back and successfully missed everything in front of him, allowing the ball to trickle to the feet of Miller at the other side of the goal.
Amidst the ridiculous there were also goals with the 4th team eventually taking a deserved lead through The Hill; neat play down the left brought the ball into the penalty area and 'The Late' Riley Samuda held the ball up before it was lashed into the far corner by the veteran of veterans. Despite experiencing the majority of the posession the 4th team would go in at half time level. A slow arching throw out by Christian finding Miller under pressure, and the 5th team capitalised stealing the ball and turning in the resultant cross at the far post for a half-time scoreline of 1-1.
Cometh the second half, cometh the goals. First on the score sheet were those pesky 5th team upstarts. Their feeble break was no match for the 4th team's experienced offside trap, or at least it wouldn't have been if their had been linesmen... instead it left one of them clean through and their team 2-1 up. Cheeky kids. Time for the unspoken 4th team motto of 'if they score we'll just score two' to kick in. First, some neat passing put Dave 'Gerrard' Carver into the area and he rolled home an equaliser before the Hill gave the opposition a valuable lesson in running very fast, dummying Miller's hoof down the wing on the halfway line before giving chase to slot the ball past Waby Senior. 3-2 to the 4ths.
To paraphrase the thoughts of the 4th team at kick off; "It doesn't matter what the score is, just don't let Alec score". We know he can hit a ball, but at thirty yards out we must be safe. Well you do the maths... A shot leaves Alec's boot thirty yards from goal, heading at pace to the right hand side of the goal. At the same time, the goalkeeper sets off across goal from his unauthordox starting position of five yards to the left of his goal. At which point will they meet? The answer, inevitably, was that they will not; 3-3. Gutted, but undisturbed by this inevitable nightmare the 4th team elected to take the lead again, Gerrad squeezing the ball past Waby Senior and beating Riley Samuda to the finish. All over? Of course not, the 5ths levelled it up again as a corner was half-cleared and then scuffed back goalwards before being turned into the net by a 5th teamers heel. The sheer impudence of the kids these days knows no bounds.
As is custom with 4th team outings these days the goals only tell half the story. Special mentions also to another Christian Sales save, despite hugging his left hand post as if it were a freshly purchased drink during a nightclub fire alarm. The decisive shouts from the mouth of Captain Scratch; "This may or may not be Scratch's ball"... "That's where I should be", yelled as there striker dribbled through an opening in midfield... and "Benny, can you just mark someone else, I need some alone time". Two comedy falls to the ground, a semi-injured triple jump style tumble from the Hill and Jack 'the Ewok' Woodlock's, twelve-point fall which took him most of the second half to finally hit the deck. Last word to the Hill, buoyed on by one successful header in midfield he attacked a high ball in defence with the embittered war-cry "Weeeeeee!". Alas, he didn't win it.
And so with the football done with for another episode the rest of the evening descended into drunken debauchery and dancing, not to mention some choice quotes, well into the night: "It smells of old badgers in here" ... "Yes he sells porn... but we're thinking of going into roofing"... "I wouldn't mind being a fireman, you spend most of your time sitting around doing nothing, but then some days you do die"... "The Hill has gone off with that big boobed whore"
The 4th Team line up: (3-4-3): 30. Christian Sales; 4. Paul Miller, 13. Glen Wilson, 5. Adrian Gray; 3. Joe Burr, 6. Paul Beagle, 88. Dave Carver, 27. Jack Woodlock; 83. Dave Capps, 82. Riley Samuda, 14. Dan Hill
Man of the Match: Jack "ewok" Woodlock (4 votes), Adie Gray (2), Dave Capps (1), Paul Miller (1), Christian Sales (1), "the late" Riley Samuda (1), Alec Waby's dad "...he sells porn for a living, what a man" (1)
Dick of the Day: Adrian Gray* (4 votes), Christian Sales (4), Jack "ewok" Woodlock (1), Matt "the goat" Crucefix (1), Cappsy's Mum (1)
*Adrian wins by losing a drunken paper, scissors, stone tie-breaker 2-1
15 september 2006: afc west end 1-4 the 4th team
The prestigious setting of Lincoln's West Common hosted the long awaited return to action of the 4th team, as our heroes took to the field against Lincoln Sunday League heroes AFC West End. A total of twelve 4th teamers had made it to the Cathedral city for this clash, with many of the more household names ruled out of the squad; the absense of Paul Miller was of particular disappointment to the throngs of Lincolnshire housewive's who had amassed on the common hoping to catch a glimpse of their idol. Also ruled out was Paul 'Scratch' Beagle, unavailable for selection due to a shock call-up to the Oxfordshire Recruitment Service, meaning Joe 'El Burro' Burr took over as captain of the 4th team ship.
Such is the legend of the 4th team that when they play people come to watch and so was the case for this fixture as a large crowd, well into double figures, amassed on the touchline. The people were not to be disappointed as the 4ths shot out the blocks with the veteran Dan Hill leading the calvary charge through the AFC West End defence like a rickety old blur. They may not have played together for nigh on five months, but the 4ths were soon back into their old style of play knocking the ball around as if they were a drunken northern metal worker back from the pub and it were their wife who didn't have supper ready.
All this good play and bad metaphor was bound to lead to a goal and it came on the quarter hour mark; Dave Capps placing a shot in the bottom corner following some good play on the edge of the box from Dave 'Gerrard' Carver and The Hill. As Cappsy wood later comment, The Hill provided the ingredients and he finished them off; he was the grocer, Capps the chef. While the forwards were spraying the ball about with confidence the back line had decided to try their hand at slapstick comedy and were proving equally successful. Gaffer Glen Wilson led the way, attempting to leather a ball for touch only to slice it so finely it spun back gently over his own head, while meanwhile an intoxicated Crucefix showed all the control of a man wearing shoes several sizes too large for himslef. Inevitably an equaliser arrived, West End's Mike Northern managed to bundle his way through the penalty area, avoiding a custard pie thrown by Adie Gray and the challenge of Alec Waby as he turned round holding a long plank. Thankfully Captain Burr was back on the line, but the old jalopy he was driving fell apart before he could properly clear and Sam McDonnell was on hand to equalise for the hosts. Bloody clowns.
Refreshed, re-organised and in Matt Crucefix's case, a little more sober, following half-time the 4ths finally returned to their free flowing footballing best. Led by Jack 'the Ewok' Woodlock's unshaken confidence in the abaility of his team-mates as he barraged them with short and accurate passing, the 4ths began to retake control of the game and were rewarded with a second goal. Dave 'Gerrard' Carver assuring his place in the 4th team showboat hall of fame by flicking up the ball on the edge of the box and volleying it into the corner of the net. Altogether now; "I li-i-ke". Clearly one goal wasn't enough for Gerrard; as the greedy sod went and added another to his tally, heading home a corner from Dan Hill aka 'The Grocer'. As darkness began to fall Charlie Akinwunmi added the fourth goal for the 4ths, turning in another corner from The Grocer to bring a flirting moment of joy to his otherwise angry life and our heroes notched another victory, dedicated to the birthday boy; Mr. Dan 'Roma' Whyles
Inevitably, thats not the whole story, the match facts never are for the 4ths. Special mention must also go to Matt Crucefix, for managing to look even more ill than normal throughout the match and also to Joey Burr for the mis-kick that caused Crucefix to stop tracking back because his frail ribs hurt too much from laughing. Mention also for the Irish one and his child-like scream of glee that greeted one opposition mis-cue. And to The Hill who's limb extended leap and attempt at hang-time as he tried in vain to head home one cross left him looking, in the words of Dave Capps, "like one of those stick on Garfields you see on the back windscreen of a Cortina". On the subject of Capps, his inspired mid-match quotations also produced what may well be a fitting epitaph for the 4th team; "I've come all this way, just to tread in shit". Profound words... profound.
the 4th team squad: 1. Alec Waby, 3. Joe Burr, 5. Adie Gray, 9. Andy Richmond, 13. Glen Wilson, 14. Dan Hill, 17. John Moore, 23. Charlie Akinwunmi, 24. Matt Crucefix, 27. Jack Woodlock, 83. Dave Capps, 88. Dave Carver.
Man of the Match voting: Dave 'Gerrard' Carver (4 votes), Dave Capps (2), Alec 'Outstanding' Waby (2), Dan "Hill Hill" Hill (1), Glen Wilson (1), Jack 'Ewok' Woodlock (1), Lee(roy) Egley (1)
Dick of the Day voting: Joe 'El Burro' Burr (4 votes), Matt Crucefix (2), Dan "Hill Hill" Hill (2), John Moore (2), Andy Richmond (1), Steve "Alf" Pearce (1)
(Editors note: I had promised pictures from this great event, but sadly in my haste to steal AFC West End's water bottles I forgot my camera. However, never one to let down the 4ths here is a choice images found upon the camera phone of Mr Adie 'David Bailey' Gray. I feel it needs no introduction... )
Such is the legend of the 4th team that when they play people come to watch and so was the case for this fixture as a large crowd, well into double figures, amassed on the touchline. The people were not to be disappointed as the 4ths shot out the blocks with the veteran Dan Hill leading the calvary charge through the AFC West End defence like a rickety old blur. They may not have played together for nigh on five months, but the 4ths were soon back into their old style of play knocking the ball around as if they were a drunken northern metal worker back from the pub and it were their wife who didn't have supper ready.
All this good play and bad metaphor was bound to lead to a goal and it came on the quarter hour mark; Dave Capps placing a shot in the bottom corner following some good play on the edge of the box from Dave 'Gerrard' Carver and The Hill. As Cappsy wood later comment, The Hill provided the ingredients and he finished them off; he was the grocer, Capps the chef. While the forwards were spraying the ball about with confidence the back line had decided to try their hand at slapstick comedy and were proving equally successful. Gaffer Glen Wilson led the way, attempting to leather a ball for touch only to slice it so finely it spun back gently over his own head, while meanwhile an intoxicated Crucefix showed all the control of a man wearing shoes several sizes too large for himslef. Inevitably an equaliser arrived, West End's Mike Northern managed to bundle his way through the penalty area, avoiding a custard pie thrown by Adie Gray and the challenge of Alec Waby as he turned round holding a long plank. Thankfully Captain Burr was back on the line, but the old jalopy he was driving fell apart before he could properly clear and Sam McDonnell was on hand to equalise for the hosts. Bloody clowns.
Refreshed, re-organised and in Matt Crucefix's case, a little more sober, following half-time the 4ths finally returned to their free flowing footballing best. Led by Jack 'the Ewok' Woodlock's unshaken confidence in the abaility of his team-mates as he barraged them with short and accurate passing, the 4ths began to retake control of the game and were rewarded with a second goal. Dave 'Gerrard' Carver assuring his place in the 4th team showboat hall of fame by flicking up the ball on the edge of the box and volleying it into the corner of the net. Altogether now; "I li-i-ke". Clearly one goal wasn't enough for Gerrard; as the greedy sod went and added another to his tally, heading home a corner from Dan Hill aka 'The Grocer'. As darkness began to fall Charlie Akinwunmi added the fourth goal for the 4ths, turning in another corner from The Grocer to bring a flirting moment of joy to his otherwise angry life and our heroes notched another victory, dedicated to the birthday boy; Mr. Dan 'Roma' Whyles
Inevitably, thats not the whole story, the match facts never are for the 4ths. Special mention must also go to Matt Crucefix, for managing to look even more ill than normal throughout the match and also to Joey Burr for the mis-kick that caused Crucefix to stop tracking back because his frail ribs hurt too much from laughing. Mention also for the Irish one and his child-like scream of glee that greeted one opposition mis-cue. And to The Hill who's limb extended leap and attempt at hang-time as he tried in vain to head home one cross left him looking, in the words of Dave Capps, "like one of those stick on Garfields you see on the back windscreen of a Cortina". On the subject of Capps, his inspired mid-match quotations also produced what may well be a fitting epitaph for the 4th team; "I've come all this way, just to tread in shit". Profound words... profound.
the 4th team squad: 1. Alec Waby, 3. Joe Burr, 5. Adie Gray, 9. Andy Richmond, 13. Glen Wilson, 14. Dan Hill, 17. John Moore, 23. Charlie Akinwunmi, 24. Matt Crucefix, 27. Jack Woodlock, 83. Dave Capps, 88. Dave Carver.
Man of the Match voting: Dave 'Gerrard' Carver (4 votes), Dave Capps (2), Alec 'Outstanding' Waby (2), Dan "Hill Hill" Hill (1), Glen Wilson (1), Jack 'Ewok' Woodlock (1), Lee(roy) Egley (1)
Dick of the Day voting: Joe 'El Burro' Burr (4 votes), Matt Crucefix (2), Dan "Hill Hill" Hill (2), John Moore (2), Andy Richmond (1), Steve "Alf" Pearce (1)
(Editors note: I had promised pictures from this great event, but sadly in my haste to steal AFC West End's water bottles I forgot my camera. However, never one to let down the 4ths here is a choice images found upon the camera phone of Mr Adie 'David Bailey' Gray. I feel it needs no introduction... )
26 APRIL 2006: CHARLIE WILKINSON MEMORIAL TOURNAMENT
By special invitation the 4th team returend to action at Lincoln's prestigious Ruston Marconi Sports Ground for the second Charlie Wilkinson Memorial Trophy. Looking resplendent in the new blue and gold kit the 4ths boasted many a secret weapon, including the return from injury of the housewive's favourite Paul Miller, and Dan 'Hill Hill' Hill who returned to the fold having been instructed by God to abandon his self enforced retirement during a Red C induced dream.
The 4th team's revolutionary tactics were on show from the off, as they played two right wingers in the first match in an effort to confuse opposing left back Steve 'Alf' Pearce. Sadly the efforts failed to work in the 4ths favour and they went down to a 2-0 defeat. Redemption was sought in the second match and chants of 'Hill Hill Hill' echoed round the streets of Lincoln, as the veteran gave a vintage performance up front to inspire the 4ths to a 6-2 victory, which included an incredible Van Basten-esque volley from Tom 'turn the' Heaton.
By game three the 4th team were on fire, so much so that the Hill even recorded a rare headed goal, despite the attempts of the evil Jazz to steal the old man's moment of glory on the line; he really is one of them. Embracing modern technology as only they can the 4th team went onto create football history by making a substitution via telephone in a call to experienced and inibriated referee Lee(roy) Egley. Well on their way to vistory the 4th team turned on the style, with even manager Glen 'Mr' Wilson getting in on the showboat mood with a Zidane-esque double drag-back that he is still talking about in this report. A 3-0 win safely in the bag, the 4th team went off to refresh tactics over some isotonic sports drinks from those lovely people at Carling.
Game four saw the 4th team revert to their successful names-and-positions-out-of-a-hat school of management, first pioneered for the 3-1 win over Bishops Grosseteste College in 2004. With Scratch aka 'The Cat' in goal (so called because he often diappers out the house in the middle of the night to look for food) and Alec 'Outstanding' Waby on the left flank it seemed there could only be one outcome... yep, Scratch kept a clean sheet and Alec leathered one in from twenty-five yards. Tom 'turn the' Heaton donned the gloves in the second half and helped by Dan 'Roma' Whyles enjoying a renaissance in his new found central defensive role, enabled the 4ths preserve their clean sheet with a 2-0 win.
Second place overall for the 4ths then, but the true winner was of course football itself, well that and bar takings across Lincoln.
the 4th team: 1. Alec Waby, 2. Tom Heaton, 3. Joe Burr, 4. Paul Miller, 5. Adrian Gray, 6. Paul Beagle, 11. Dan Whyles, 12. Shu Hiong Tan, 13. Glen Wilson, 14. Dan Hill, 17. John Moore, 23. Charlie Akinwunmi, 24. Matt Crucefix, 27. Jack Woodlock, 50. Ben Eccleston, 83. Dave Capps, 88. Dave Carver.
Man of the Day: Paul 'Housewive's Choice' Miller
Dick of the Day: probably John Moore for the whole tree thing.
The 4th team's revolutionary tactics were on show from the off, as they played two right wingers in the first match in an effort to confuse opposing left back Steve 'Alf' Pearce. Sadly the efforts failed to work in the 4ths favour and they went down to a 2-0 defeat. Redemption was sought in the second match and chants of 'Hill Hill Hill' echoed round the streets of Lincoln, as the veteran gave a vintage performance up front to inspire the 4ths to a 6-2 victory, which included an incredible Van Basten-esque volley from Tom 'turn the' Heaton.
By game three the 4th team were on fire, so much so that the Hill even recorded a rare headed goal, despite the attempts of the evil Jazz to steal the old man's moment of glory on the line; he really is one of them. Embracing modern technology as only they can the 4th team went onto create football history by making a substitution via telephone in a call to experienced and inibriated referee Lee(roy) Egley. Well on their way to vistory the 4th team turned on the style, with even manager Glen 'Mr' Wilson getting in on the showboat mood with a Zidane-esque double drag-back that he is still talking about in this report. A 3-0 win safely in the bag, the 4th team went off to refresh tactics over some isotonic sports drinks from those lovely people at Carling.
Game four saw the 4th team revert to their successful names-and-positions-out-of-a-hat school of management, first pioneered for the 3-1 win over Bishops Grosseteste College in 2004. With Scratch aka 'The Cat' in goal (so called because he often diappers out the house in the middle of the night to look for food) and Alec 'Outstanding' Waby on the left flank it seemed there could only be one outcome... yep, Scratch kept a clean sheet and Alec leathered one in from twenty-five yards. Tom 'turn the' Heaton donned the gloves in the second half and helped by Dan 'Roma' Whyles enjoying a renaissance in his new found central defensive role, enabled the 4ths preserve their clean sheet with a 2-0 win.
Second place overall for the 4ths then, but the true winner was of course football itself, well that and bar takings across Lincoln.
the 4th team: 1. Alec Waby, 2. Tom Heaton, 3. Joe Burr, 4. Paul Miller, 5. Adrian Gray, 6. Paul Beagle, 11. Dan Whyles, 12. Shu Hiong Tan, 13. Glen Wilson, 14. Dan Hill, 17. John Moore, 23. Charlie Akinwunmi, 24. Matt Crucefix, 27. Jack Woodlock, 50. Ben Eccleston, 83. Dave Capps, 88. Dave Carver.
Man of the Day: Paul 'Housewive's Choice' Miller
Dick of the Day: probably John Moore for the whole tree thing.
30 january 2006: the 4th team do dodgeball
Another year, another sport conquered for the 4th team with a rogue entry into the National Dodgeball Championships held in Halifax. Training for the event was rigorous, with the nine man squad rounded up and forced to watch the film Dodgeball whilst drinking numerous cans before hitting the town until the eraly hours of the morning of the competition. Amidst a hangover the next day; nine men set off in the direction of Halifax and (eventually) found themselves on a dodgeball court.
After being narrowly beaten by the riegning national champions in the first game the 4ths managed to get the knack and successfully ruin months of hard work for three 'proper' dodgeball teams by knocking them out of the group stages. While most teams put elaborate tactics into place the 4ths adopted their motto of 'gamble' and did whatever came to mind; credit to the Ewok for lying flat to avoid detection and failing to resist the temptation of a perfect right foot volley, and also to Gerrard for taunting the Jammy Dodgers!
All this meant a quarter final place with the 4ths taking the eventual champions from Staffordshire to a fifth match decider. One by one the lads dropped until only captain Scratch remained in play; alcohol laced ready to lead his charges to the semi finals... until he was nailed by Staffordshire's 'Man with the Golden Arm'. The dream was over.
4th team Dodgeball Squad Supreme: Paul Beagle, John Moore, Glen Wilson, Dan Hill, Dave Capps, Tom Heaton, Jack Woodlock, Dave Carver, Adie Gray.
After being narrowly beaten by the riegning national champions in the first game the 4ths managed to get the knack and successfully ruin months of hard work for three 'proper' dodgeball teams by knocking them out of the group stages. While most teams put elaborate tactics into place the 4ths adopted their motto of 'gamble' and did whatever came to mind; credit to the Ewok for lying flat to avoid detection and failing to resist the temptation of a perfect right foot volley, and also to Gerrard for taunting the Jammy Dodgers!
All this meant a quarter final place with the 4ths taking the eventual champions from Staffordshire to a fifth match decider. One by one the lads dropped until only captain Scratch remained in play; alcohol laced ready to lead his charges to the semi finals... until he was nailed by Staffordshire's 'Man with the Golden Arm'. The dream was over.
4th team Dodgeball Squad Supreme: Paul Beagle, John Moore, Glen Wilson, Dan Hill, Dave Capps, Tom Heaton, Jack Woodlock, Dave Carver, Adie Gray.
15 October 2005: 4th team veterans 2-3 4th team kids
The first reunion of the 4th team's veteran wing saw them taking on the current University of Lincoln 4th team on the Uni's knee-destroying astro-turf. Having met for a reunion team bonding session the night and early morning before the veterans were slow to adjust to the joint factors of daylight and movement, particularly the Irish one with the gloves. A few choice mistakes and dehydrated throats meant by half time our heroes were 2-0 down.
Time to sober up then; for the second half the 4ths switched to a more conventional 4-4-2, banished Moore senior from ever going near a goal again and brought on his little brother to show how it's supposed to be done. Conceding a third goal proved the ultimate footballing alka-seltzer and the veterans sprung to life for the remainder of the game. While the forwards lay seige to the kids goal at one end, burying two goals and rattling the woodwork on three ocassions, new keeper Glen Wilson kept the young uns out at the other end. Sadly though time was against the 4ths and the match ended in a somewhat un-merited 3-2 defeat.
The Veterans squad: John Moore; Shu Hiong Tan, Glen Wilson, Joe Stevens, Jack Woodlock; Dave Capps, Paul Beagle, Dave Carver, Dan Hill, Dan Vines; Riley Samuda and Michael Moore (a.k.a. the wee ginger Moore)
Time to sober up then; for the second half the 4ths switched to a more conventional 4-4-2, banished Moore senior from ever going near a goal again and brought on his little brother to show how it's supposed to be done. Conceding a third goal proved the ultimate footballing alka-seltzer and the veterans sprung to life for the remainder of the game. While the forwards lay seige to the kids goal at one end, burying two goals and rattling the woodwork on three ocassions, new keeper Glen Wilson kept the young uns out at the other end. Sadly though time was against the 4ths and the match ended in a somewhat un-merited 3-2 defeat.
The Veterans squad: John Moore; Shu Hiong Tan, Glen Wilson, Joe Stevens, Jack Woodlock; Dave Capps, Paul Beagle, Dave Carver, Dan Hill, Dan Vines; Riley Samuda and Michael Moore (a.k.a. the wee ginger Moore)