1. alec waby
As the saying goes, 'goalkeepers are different' and 4th team custodian Alec enforces this by choosing to wear a different colour top from the rest of us during matches, and a pair of padded gloves. A fine goal-keeper,after joining the 4th team in September 2003 Alec managed the unique achievement of saving a penalty with every part of his anatomy. Originally from Lincoln, Alec now resides in Spain with his wife Kristen and daughter Vienna, but folklore has it that if you stand on the Brayford fly-over and turn your ear southwards you can still hear his ridiculously high-pitched indecipherable yells drifting on the breeze. Since graduating Al has shunned the family's x-rated trade and now works in the music business... effectively dangling the carrot for Miller's karaoke career.
2. tom heaton
The new money of the 4th team. Tom 'turn the' Heaton joined the 4ths in September 2004 and was instantly singled out as ‘the rich one’ by virtue of owning a car that did not look like it was built on a Belarusian production line in order to withstand a second Chernobyl. When not swimming in a vast vault of coins like Scrooge McDuck Tom could be found in the 4th team back line looking far too handsome for a defender, or on the dance-floor of The Cheltenham using his cat-walk skills and dashing good looks to gain free alcohol. After graduating Tom moved on to set up his own graphic design business and indeed designed the 4th team crest, although the fact remains no matter how successful his business may become that he will most be remembered for the wall on Newland Street.
3. joe burr
Twenty-six going on twelve, fresh-faced Joey joined the 4ths in September 2003 and went on to make the right back position his own. Taking on the role of 4th team pretty boy, following the departure of Ben 'Hollywood' Holliday, 'El Burro' handled the pressure well, performing as if he’d been battering his eye-lids in that position all his life. A worryingly pretty man, Joey’s eyes have successfully lulled more women into a gooey-eyed state of submission than a sale at Topshop. Ever present and ever reliable Joey took over the captaincy of the 4th team in September 2005 following Scratch's surprise graduation. Post University Joey returned to his native Suffolk where he harboured dreams of becoming a pickpocket having "already mastered his trade" in the streets of Fuengirola, but he sadly found himself on the wrong side of the law... and became a policeman.
4. paul miller
The Phantom Fake Breast Stealer of Old Newland Street as he's still known in Lincoln, Paul joined the 4th team in September 2004. Although only featuring for one season Miller made a great impact on the 4th team, not least for stealing John's crown as 4th team Breakdancing Champion through in an ill-advised birthday stunt one hazy Wednesday night in Pulse. Calm and composed on the ball, Miller is a valuable asset to the back line, and amongst the top three in the 4th team when it comes to sarcastic wit... which is certainly no mean feat. Upon leaving Uni Miller returned to his native Essex where he divides his time between hustling kareoke bars and coming dangerously close to a News of the World list whilst coaching his young ladies team.
5. adrian gray
The people's favourite strawberry blond lothario arrived in Lincoln in September 2003 whilst on the run from the Child Support Agency; Hull Branch. Adie settled in his adopted Lincolnshire home and enrolled on a course at the University of Lincoln to kill time during his exile and evade capture by the authorities with the line "I can't be from Hull; I'm studying for a degree". Like Samson, Adie's power lies within his amazing hair. On the pitch the static electricity produced within those red locks generates enough power for him to hurl the ball untold distances from throw-ins. Off the pitch he uses the bounce and sheen of his curls to mesmerise young women into a date, a bed, and eventually an unwanted pregnancy. After University Adie has remained in Lincoln to take up the noble profession; managing Bar '67. Thus far Adie is also the only member of the 4th team to be found asleep on a kerb soaked in his own urine... we all know he won't be the last.
6. paul 'scratch' beagle
Such was the carnage of a post football Wednesday that in three years of University Scratch never actually saw a Thursday. Luckily for us he emerged from his continual drunken haze to experience sobriety for two hours every week as captain of the good ship 4th team. Fuelled by the combined carbohydrate value of Red C and Vodka Red Bull Scratch is a skilful player who can misjudge a header with the best of them ("Scratch's! Bastard. Over me!"). A fearless leader, Scratch is never afraid to tread where few other players would dare; as shown in the infamous 'naked press-ups in the middle of the A15' video. Having spent his first year after University sleeping in the same room as Jazz and Dan Hill Scratch has now gone further than anyone to distance himself from the ensuing rumours of homosexuality, by emigrating to the Southern hemisphere, where he works... apparently.
7. ben holliday
After making cameo appearances for Russ Taylor’s original 4th team way back in October 2002 Hollywood returned to the 4ths a year later after his modelling contract with GQ came to a premature end due to him being just too damn pretty. When not staggering around and defecating desks Hollywood possesses a 100% record in midfield; two seasons, two tackles. Proud holder of the 4th team Golden Comb in honour of his status as prettiest ever 4th team player Hollywood defended his honour by handballing rather than heading at any opportunity. Altogether now; “Come home… start again”
9. andy richmond
After joining the 4th team in 2004 Andy was labelled as the squad’s quiet man, although admittedly this is due mainly to not being able to get a word in amongst the rest of our loud-mouths. Instead Andy let his feet do the talking and they securred his place in 4th team folklore by way of a long-range last minute winning goal in the 4-3 victory over Leicester De Montfort. Despite becoming a louder and more established presence in the 4ths following once the old guard graduated Andy has somewhat disappeared off the radar since his own graduation, although he should be easily traced by virtue of high sales activity in Wolverhampton Wanderers merchandise. Wherever he may be Andy remains the only member of the 4ths to survive his time with the team nickname free.
10. dan vines
Rescued from the mean streets of Lincoln at the start of his second year at University, Vinesy joined the 4th team in September 2003. Hailing from the Far East (Skegness) Dan settled straight into the 4th team set up after being taken under Scratch’s wing and was soon falling around Ritzy with the rest of the boys as if he’d been there all his life. When not drunkenly diving into shrubbery Vinesy was most at home on the left where he added a number of goals and assists in the 4th team’s 2003-2004 promotion season. Went to the 1sts in 2004… but we don’t talk of that. After graduating in 2005 Vinesy persued a career in the fire service although it remains to be seen as to whether he is more effective at getting objects from trees than John Moore's tried and tested 'tiny stick' method.
11. dan whyles
Since originally signing for the 4ths back in April 2003 Roma has remained something of an enigmatic figure drifting in and out the squad ever since. A calm and controlled midfielder Roma originally attracted the attention of the management at an end of season trial. Unfortunately like any good fairytale he disappeared before anyone could get his details, only to be tracked by virtue of wearing the same AS Roma shirt in the pub two days later. Inevitably the nickname stuck. A committed 4th team member, Roma has in the past offered to pierce sensitive parts of his anatomy for the team cause, although none of us can quite remember how this was supposed to help. Also, shaves his legs and drives a van.
12. shu hiong tan
Originally featuring for the 4ths back in 2002-2003 and one of the infamous Kaliber Bar Towel Gang of Three, Jazz returned to Lincoln in September 2004 after a successful year on loan to Volkswagen. Always first on the dance-floor, Jazz lives for the moment ,a fantastic trait to possess, but one which often worryingly found him at some far flung corner of the Midlands just hours before kick-off. When not on one of his legendary road-trips Jazz is the official squad juke-box and the only man to fall in love while on 4th team duty, becoming smitten with a girl he serenaded outside Nottingham University… now Jazz you thought you’d never see her again… but she’s here tonight! Sadly though, Jazz is not, as he is currently busy finding himself in Malaysia... where he has already been pictured scuba diving in a thong. Insert gay innuendo remark in this sentence at your own discression.
13. glen wilson
The squad's original northerner Glen 'Mr' Wilson took over from Russ Taylor to commence this heralded era of the 4th team, not in a pursuit of glory, nor free tickets for Quayside, but simply to prevent former player Blake from getting the job and destroying our collective will. When not being mistaken for a prototype Wikipedia by his squad members who inexplicably expected him to know the answer to any question ("How far is it to Leicester?" "What's their pitch like?" "What make of bus are we getting?") Glen was ocasssionally able to take the field himself, and to the joy of cliche fans everywhere eventually scored his first 4th team goal with the last kick of his last ever University game. After graduation Glen's hopes of furthering his management career were tempered as he was forced to remain in Lincoln, not with the Students Union as some thought, but as John's 'Care in the Community' worker.
14. dan hill
Holding the unique triple crown as the 4ths' quickest, tallest and oldest player Dan began his football career in No Man's Land on Christmas Day 1915 and has never looked back. Top overall 4th team scorer with 19 goals the bus-pass wielding forward joined the squad in 2003 after being fired from his previous job as a wind turbine off the Lincolnshire coast for being too tall. Despite his aging limbs Dan possesses impressive skill on the ball, particularly when you take into account his 7mm thick wicker ankles. Following his graduation in 2005 The Hill announced that the 4th team was to be the last chapter in his long and colourful life and took up early retirement to spend his days doing crosswords, eating Werthers' Originals and writing long-winded letters of complaint about minor issues to the local newspaper. However, a Zidane-esque dream prophecy prompted him to return to the sporting arena in 2006 with a cameo in the 4th team's Dodgeball outing and he is now available once again for selection.
16. joe stevens
Despite only joining the 4ths in time for his final year at University Joe was handed the captain's armband in recognition of his assured performances at the back, but more specifically to stop his high pitched whinging. Recruited as a centre back Joe responded to this challenge by spending his entire time with the 4ths attempting to play anywhere and everywhere else and could often be seen disappearing over the horizon at Ruston Marconi with a football at his feet looking for more people to take on. Naturally a place on the international scene followed and after graduation Joe could be found flailing his arms around in an excited state on the New Zealand slopes as a snowboard instructor... although one suspects he really wished he was teaching luge, or the bobsleigh, or skiing, or anything else really. Now back in the UK Joe finally put his 'bitching' nature to use in the last two years by becoming a Primary School teacher.
17. john moore
Deported from his native Derry, 4th team joint-manager John won a place at Lincoln University in 2002 after collecting the necessary amount of ring-pulls from a Guinness promotion and answering the tie-breaker 'I'd like to go to University in England because...' in no more than twenty words. A former Dulux dog look-alike by day, and scourge of Lincoln's female population by night John leads an eventful double life, but will always be remembered as the bloke who tried to get a stuck football from the top branches of a very high tree with a tiny stick. John is also the current holder of the title 'World's Whitest Legs', thanks to a thrilling play-off victory over an albino Polar Bear called Geoff. Went to the 1sts in 2005... but we don't talk of that. John finally graduated in 2006, but fans will be pleased to know he carried his absurdity on to Sunday League Football where he once delayed the kick off of a match after falling drunkenly into a guinea pig pen. John is now engaged, with a respectable job as a Technical Author and his own home... no seriously.
19. ernesto del rio
Quite simply the greatest player to have ever donned a 4th team shirt, Ernie announced his arrival in September 2003 with a mid-air back heel flick to the feet of Cappsy. Hailing from Zaragoza, the Spanish superstar was only with the 4th team for one year but his legacy lived on through tales of perfectly executed bicycle kicks, impeccable control and ridiculously measured through balls. Such is the measure of Ernie that he once voted his own boots ‘dick of the day’ after he failed to beat a fifth man on his route to goal during the promotion securing 4-3 victory at Leicester in 2004. As the great man himself once said: “I understand my lectures, I just don’t understand you;” perhaps the most cutting summary of the 4th team ever made. After three years in the wilderness Ernie was reunited with the 4ths in summer 2007 where he excelled as only he can in the fields of air guitar, prophecy ("I think maybe she is the senorita but then I see senorita, I see senorita, I see senorita") and keeping Joey Burr out of prison.
22. chris lloyd
Chris joined the 4ths in April 2003 after catching the eye of John Moore at a trial match, although that’s another story. In a previous life Chris Lloyd played the scientist ‘Doc’ in Back to the Future (don’t believe me? Check the credits), but turned down the chance to start in a fourth film in order to commit himself wholly to both the 4th team and his long term plans to grow the tallest hairstyle known to man. With both these objectives achieved the full-back disappeared during the 2004-2005 season with a long term shoulder/back/knee/ankle/foot injury. Since graduating Chris has disappeared, possibly with the aid of the Delorean, and is yet to return.
23. charlie akinwunmi
The 4th team’s resident Mr Angry, Charlie can be relied on to get wound up about everything and anything, and is probably right now seething at this profile. On the pitch Charlie marauders around the football pitch with his waistband nearer his knees than his hips flitting between unnecessary showboating skill and potentially life ending challenges. Off the pitch things aren't that much different in the waistband department, but Charlie's energy is more focussed on maintaining his shy and retiring persona and looking after his soft dulcet scouse accent. Now back in his native London following graduation although its rumoured his laugh has been heard as far away as Northampton.
24. matt crucefix
Officially the 4th team’s most skeletal player having defeated Dan Hill in a sudden-death visible-rib tie-breaker, Matt joined the team in September 2003. When not supping cider and singing along to the Wurzels everyone’s favourite West Country stereotype could be found in defence where in a bid to secure his place amongst the 4th team's most ridiculed, Matt even experimented with a mullet during the 2004-2005 season. Matt went onto manage the 4th team with Adie in 2005, although it remains a scientifically proven fact that his old mullet was a marginally better five-a-side goalkeeper than he was. After Uni Matt worked as local newsreader, even changing his name to the less demonic 'Matt Cruce', but after a year or so atop of the county's largest hill ringing his bell and yelling out stories about scrumping and the like for the local bumpkins, the West Country was no nearer to getting electricty so he advocated a career change. Last seen in 2009, inadvertantly throwing Dave Capps out of the Fire Doors of Dogma, Lincoln.
27. jack woodlock
In short, Jack may be a little bastard, but he's our little bastard. Jack announced his arrival on the 4th team scene by marking his territory in a lay-by halfway up the A15 and with impressive consistency has been winding up everyone he comes into contact with since. Hailing from a tree-house on Hampstead Heath Jack arrived as a left back, but we chose to ignore him and plonked him in the middle of midfield. Our pet Jack fitted into the 4th team set up with ease, unfortunately though a failure to take him for long walks and a tendency to feed him alcohol on a regular basis meant that he was taken from us by the RSPCA and rehoused with the 3rd team. We retained visiting rights though and through an unfortunate knee injury the Ewok was returned to the 4th team in time for the 2007 Spanish trip where he achieved infamy by trying to use mime to translate the phrase "pulling the wool over our eyes". Now an estate agent, Jack has already sold a house to another Ewok... what are the chances?
28. chris otokito
Another long serving member of the 4ths, Chris was part of an inheritance package from Russ Taylor’s original 4th team that included partner in crime Riley Samuda. Best friends off the pitch Chris and Riley struck up a prolific partnership on it, not so much in terms of goals but certainly in terms of volume. Chris graduated from the 4ths in 2004, taking with him the coveted Vainest Player Commemorative mirror, an apt reward for a man who would only train in a specially commissioned stealth hood to protect his hair from the Lincoln elements. Post University Chris also just pipped Alec in the Coveted First 4th Team Player to have a Child Sweepstake.
30. christian sales
It’s been a tough life for Christian who had the misfortune to meet Joe ‘Bitchin’ Stevens way before the rest of us, growing up with him back in the hood on the mean streets of Nottingham. Christian joined the 4th team in January 2003, and when not bitchin’ with Bitchin’ could be found between the sticks getting his ample frame in the way of whatever came his way. Although good with his hands Christian’s feet can often get him to trouble, as shown when he was arrested by the local constabulary for dancing atop of the Barge on the Brayford. 'Salesy' as he appears to have nicknamed himself since graduating served time as a member of her majesty's forces, and knows how to handle weapons so this profile ends with us simply saying how lovely he is.
31. stephen 'alf' pearce
Not strictly a member of the 4th team, Alf was sent to the 5ths at the start of the 2003-04 season for a loan spell of an indeterminable length. However, his exile was ended in time for the 2007 Spain tour where he infamously "did eat something foreign... I had lasagne". Spain was also where Alf informed us I'm not lazy, I'm a machine, and where he was twice mistaken by the local population for a visiting German. Alf was originally deployed as a forward when he began his University football career, but has since reverted to an effective full-back, a role in which he has starred for the post-Uni 4ths. Still living in Lincoln Alf has spent the last four years constructing his own Playboy Penthouse at the top of the Junxion, and at night he roams the halls collecting waifs and strays like he were still a first year. Here he remains treading a fine line between being a modern day Peter Pan and the sex offender's register.
50. ben eccleston
Benny joined the 4ths in September 2004 and moved seemlessly into the record books as the smallest person ever to represent the 4th team. Standing at a colossal four feet two inches high, Ben was forced to try for a place in the 4th team midfield after the BBC failed to commission a new series of The Borrowers. Underneath his trusty Condom-like hats Benny is a thoughtful and effective player, who never stops working and harassing opposing players, a trait which has seen him affectionately referred to as a ‘little shit’ by Charlie Akinwunmi. Despite posessing hands and feet way out of proportion to his tender fame Benny proved a valuable asset to the 4ths and went on to captain the side in the 2006-2007 season.
82. riley samuda
The Late Riley Samuda. Not dead, but always fashionably late, Riley is rumoured to have spent a total of 25 years with the 4th team before reluctantly graduating in 2005. In fitting with many a West Indian stereotype, if Riley was anymore laid back he would have stopped breathing months ago. Along with his now legendary 'Words of Wisdom' Riley was a vital part of the 4th team ambiance and often turned up to games dressed as a city gent to relieve the pre-match tension. A measured and collected footballer, Riley saves his energy for the important aspects of football that others often overlook; dribbling into corners and celebrating, and my does he excel at both. Aided by references from his fellow 4ths Riley now holds court at a publishers in London and even puts on a posh phone voice... collectively the 4th team cannot believe that their boy Riley has sold out to the man.
83. dave capps
Pictured here aged twelve, Cappsy has racked up more 4th team appearances than anyone else; for which its uncertain whether to congratulate or comiserate him. One half of the 4th team's Welsh connection (namely the half that is actually Welsh) Cappsy originally played as a striker with the 4ths before being moved to the right flank where he remained to torment opposition full-backs with his Michael Flatley-esque dancing feet for two seasons. When not on the wing Dave whiled away his University hours crossing the city of Lincoln in a drink stained suit on regular 'walks of shame', but despite this and representing two thirds of the squads sarcasm quota, he will probably be best remembered for celebrating a horrific miss against the 5th team in a cunning effort to make us all think he wasn't really that bad.
88. dave 'gerrard' carver
After joining the 4ths in 2004 Gerrard almost instantly astounded experts by becoming the only person to be injured more than John over the course of a season. When not confounding the world of medical science Gerrard can be found showboating his way around the 4th team forward line and has already laid claim to the highest lob ever recorded in football when his chipped goal at Leicester deflected off a NASA sattellite before finding the back of the net. Unfortunately Gerrard left the 4ths in 2005, not to join the 3rds as reported in some media, but to take up a career as a professional dodgeball player, a path opened to him by his worryingly good cameo in the 4th team's Dodgeball outing in 2006. Remember, if you can dodge injury, you can dodge a ball.